Since I was very young, I've been a part of a church. I've gotten a lot of different perspectives on the ways things work, and I've been at a lot of services. Overall, it's been a great journey, meeting different people and living different places and understanding different things. However, regardless of the churches I've visited, or the topics I've studied, I noticed something that is the same, regardless of the church or its standards.
The distractions.
EVERY TIME. Not to say that I'm easily distracted, but...
Actually that's exactly what I'm saying. Hmm.
I have compiled a list of the top ten most distracting things in church. For the record, these are mostly in my experience, and if you have ever had some major malfunction that completely threw everything off then...that's cool.
Some close runners up were suddenly feeling itchy, sirens going past on the street, earthquakes, hay fever, going into labor, and wondering if you left the oven on. I chose not to include them because I had better explanations for the other ones.
Semi-related side story #1: Once in my yearbook class, I confessed that the time when I came up for the designs for the majority of my pages was during sermons. The supervisor being a Bible teacher, I expected him to be surprised and/or disappointed.
He told me that's when he had written most of his football plays.
I thought that was funny.
THE TOP TEN MOST DISTRACTING THINGS IN A CHURCH SERVICE:
10. Breath mints.
Okay. I know this is random. My family has this odd practice of bringing mints for us to partake during the sermon when we need to ease our growling stomachs or halitosis (look it up). We prefer the Altoids brand because they're so strong (the advertisements are NOT lying) that you really can't have that many without your tongue falling off, so they last a while. Unfortunately, if you've already had one, and maybe you bit into it and the dust spilled all over your tongue and you started sweating a lot as you could feel the hole in the roof of your mouth getting bigger, it gets difficult to focus on what anyone is saying or praying or whether or not you still have feeling in your face.
9. Pastors.
One of the strangest facts of life is that sometimes the best distractions are the things you're trying to focus on. I have a really good pastor, but every now and again, he lets slip a mispronunciation or a couple of odd phrases. My favorite story is during one of his sermons, when instead of telling the story of Jesus going to Perea (which is in Israel), he read that Jesus went to Peoria (which is in Illinois).
But that doesn't happen often.
8. Weather.
If it's super hot, you know it. If it's super cold, you know it. If it starts raining outside, you know it. And you hate it. That's just how it is, and sometimes you can just move on with your life and sometimes you will just go completely bonkers. I suggest bringing a big bag with an emergency sweater, electric fan, and raincoat, just in case. Because that won't distract anyone else.
7. Trains.
Have you ever just been sitting in church when a random train chugs past and blows its whistle? Yeah. Crazy.
6. Sleepiness.
I'm sure you understand this, especially if your church has comfy chairs. So I won't go into detail.
Semi-related side story #2:
So you know the Puritans, right? ("Puritan" is synonymous with the phrase "super intense people, probably named John, who might show up on your AP US History Document Based Question essay.") When they went to church, the ushers had these sticks with a feather on the end that they would use to tickle the people who went to sleep and wake them up again. Not that bad, until you realize that the other side was a club and the dudes who fell asleep twice would get a nice fat whack on the cabeza.
5. Siblings.
I have two brothers who never completely agree on anything. Sometimes they poke each other incessantly, sometimes they nap right next to you and make your shoulder go to sleep, sometimes they draw pictures of you, and sometimes they eat too many Altoids and you have to resuscitate them. You have to constantly be alert, and that can distract you from...um...being alert.
4. Phones vibrating.
Don't act like it's never happened to you. This is usually what happens to me:
*zzzzzzt*
That's my phone! I wonder who it is! No I shouldn't check my phone. I'll look after the service.
*pause*
What if it's...no he wouldn't text me.
Would he? Maybe he would.
No. He didn't text you. Stop thinking he would text you.
Deborah's looking at me weird... Great. She can see me blushing.
Great.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not like it hasn't happened before...
It's not him I'll just check it later.
*pause*Okay, well it's not like I'll be able to focus on the sermon unless I check. It's justified.
*click click clickety click*
Deborah: Hey girl did you realize that you were supposed to be in the nursery today?
3. Birds.
I went to a high school full of birds, so dive-bombing sparrows in the sanctuary probably wouldn't be all that distracting. What's weird is when they just walk in, strutting like they own the place, and bring all their friends to congregate under the pew next to you. It's quite amusing. They look like a little mafia of bobbleheads.
2. Beats me. I needed a list of ten.
AND THE WINNER FOR MOST DISTRACTING ELEMENT IN CHURCH EVER EVER EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS...
1. Babies.
Let's be honest, they're kind of the cutest things ever, and when a chubby little bald person is staring at you from two rows in front of you like you're the Jolly Green Giant, you stare back and make faces. And when they sit across from you and stare at you, you stare back and make faces. And when they make faces back at you, your brother notices and starts making faces at them, and then the baby is staring at both of you and making faces and laughing at yours, and then you all look stupid except the baby who still looks adorable, and then church is over.
The end.
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