Recently, I've complained a little about the fact that I have nothing to inspire any of these lengthy derogations.
Actually I haven't. You have.
That still doesn't mean I had anything else to write about. And if it makes you feel better, I think I started about three posts while I was on break, and they all ended up pretty stupid because I had no idea how to write them.
...this still isn't my fault.
It's YOUR fault because you guys are so darn sweet and make me feel like in response to all the positive feedback I have to write six posts a week. Shame. On. You.
But thankfully I've returned to my lovely existence of education, and have been searching high and low for something to mock shamelessly, and still, nothing, nothing, nothing, and then I searched far and wide, and blahh, blahh, blahh, and then I went to my classes, and then I ate the cafeteria food (we almost had something there), and over all of the campus, there was nothing to be found that was suitable; alas, none struck that resonant chord of bloggability, and I returned to my dorm, forlorn* and disappointed* and empty-handed**.
*not really.
**I think I was holding a sandwich.
We would still be in this state if it weren't for my darling roommate, Miranda, who was sitting in her bunk when I returned. Seeing my dejection, she gazed across the three feet of floor that separated us and offered eight beautiful words, full of hope for me and for you and for all the world of blogdom:
"Hey, do you want to watch 'The Bachelor'?"
...hello!
So for those of you who either spend your time wisely or haven't been on the continent for longer than three weeks, I will briefly explain what this phenomenon is.
"The Bachelor" is a television show which endorses the great American dream of encouraging diverse and accomplished individuals who all are looking for something more in life to put themselves on the line in order to find it while everyone sits back and laughs at their pain and failure. Which is basically what happens. 25 girls show up at a fancy house, all to find love, and slowly, through process of elimination and several high-powered fog machines, one is eventually selected for a romantic life of bliss and happiness until a highly publicized divorce comes three months later.
It gets better.
I assume most of you are familiar with the other American dream of videotaping "catfights" everytime you're within a three mile radius of one. This ideal is quite transformative and captures the heart of many, specifically high schoolers and TV producers. Because of that, not only do you get to see the intensely personal conversations, the sweet dates, and even the heartbreaking goodbyes, but you also get to see the girls all fighting and screaming and clawing and saying horrible things to each other. (Not swearing. They bleep out the swearing.) And I didn't even include the crying. There's lots of crying.
But WAIT. I don't think even you were expecting this:
Not only are these women putting their hearts out where everyone can see them, saying all manner of nasty things about people that they just met, living with those same people for months on end (they drink a lot of alcohol in this show), and letting cameramen record it for hundreds of millions of strangers who can't even remember their names to watch EVERY MONDAY ON PRIMETIME...
...they're all dating the same guy.
And all of them know that. So all of them kiss him, and hold hands with him, and snuggle with him, and whisper sweet nothings to him, in front of each other. They're publicizing their own powerful story of greatness and romance for all the world to see,
AND HE'S CHEATING ON ALL OF THEM.
The only thing that could possibly make this better is if it was a documentary.
OH WAIT.
If there's anything better than dating shows, it's psychos being interviewed about meaningful subjects.
I will admit that I approved of (as in, I would let my brother date) a few of them. Maybe two. No. One. Kacie B, from Tennessee, who was basically the only real person on there. (Yes. As opposed to fake people. The rest of them were fake people.) And I don't know if you've watched people's reactions around you, but when she got sent home a few weeks ago, the show's Facebook page was covered with:
"ben i hate you go *3#@&*"
"she was too good for you what's your problem"
"Kacie, honey, don't be sad. You've got way more going for you."
(nice people comments...smh)
But still...I felt a blow to normal women everywhere. Kacie B. was a baller.
I am glad he let her go though, because (expert opinion) they really weren't good for each other. Especially in comparison to the girl he ended up with.
Her name is Courtney.
My cousin's name is Courtney
That doesn't matter.
She's a model. A good one. From New York. She's very focused on her career, but is taking time off to look for love. And she's determined to find it. Just like everyone else on the show.
Except she has no brain.
Or morals for that matter...but...it IS the Bachelor.
Anyway. For those who didn't watch the show, I felt like I'd include a couple highlights and sign off, because this post isn't really going anywhere. I also throw in some clues to allude to the reasoning behind Ben's final decision.
So the whole things starts. Bachelor Ben is standing in a suit in front of the house and all these chicks get out of a limo to come kick it with him. One rides a horse so he gives her a flower. (I forgot. Roses are a life. Getting one is like running over a mushroom in Mario Kart.) One brings her grandma. That was weird. But they all hang out and then everyone thinks these two girls are all...yeah they basically make out. Um. Courtney shows up and Ben says she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Clue #1. Jenna cries the whole time. No one knows why.
They go on a bunch of dates. Kacie B. and Ben go on some excursion where they end up crying because they actually had a good conversation. Courtney and Ben go on a date where they make out. Clue #2. The rest of them go on a date where they put on a play for these kids in a community center. It basically turns out to be a strip show about farm animals. One of them says it was the first time she's ever been attracted to a sheep.
That's the only complete sentence I remember from the entire season.
All of them progressively get dumped. Some of them get to do crazy things like climb bridges and go on boats and ride horses and get in good life experiences before their worlds come crashing down. Lots more of them cry. All of them fall in love...all of them are "blindsided." Fighting fighting fighting. Hatred. Death. And then once they're all dumped, they're all magically friends.
Somewhere in there, Courtney manages to reject friendly gestures and make rude comments all over the world. (Literally. They got to Switzerland before she apologized.) A bunch of them tell Ben that she's a horrible person. He dumps them.
I think it's also worth mentioning that she calls Blakely a stripper and then manages to take her clothes off at every opportunity.
It didn't make sense to me either. Also, clue #3.
Kacie B. gets dumped and cries a lot, and every woman in America suddenly realizes how ugly Ben is.
Ben gets down to the final two, saying that he's in love with both of them, even though everyone knows he's going to pick Courtney. And now they're engaged. Which is probably a good thing, because no one would have competed if Courtney was the new Bachelorette. And I heartily approve of couples dating when they're composed of two people I hate.
If this makes no sense to you, don't worry about it. Odds are they've been split up for months.
Thank you and have a nice night.
