It's a looove stooorryyy, BABY JUST SAY no.

I feel like I always write something remotely feminist around this time of year. I tried to balance it out with some man-respect.

I’ve had way too many conversations with single people, which means I've been thinking way too much about dating. This is an effort to sort the things that have been swirling around in the goosh that I call my brain, and to help you to maybe

GET A GRIP

and do something productive with your life other than whine over your irretrievable losses.

Sorry.

I’m grumpy.

Also, I think the title says it all. Also, I’m grumpy. And I'm going to say flipping a lot. Henceforth, there will be no witty introduction.

Okay maybe a little one. Before I get into the trouble I will just for writing the things I did, I’m going to lay down a disclaimer so that I don’t get in more than I deserve. THIS IS NOT A JAB AT ANYONE SPECIFIC. This is completely a sweeping punch at all general existence. But this is not some cryptically worded maniacal plan that was intended to point out someone's flaws in any way. The reason for this is twofold: 1, because, despite what you may think if you have ever been exposed to my inordinately squeaky voice, I am not fourteen, and 2, my blog is for me ranting about the…everything…in general, not people in specific, because that’s rude, and I have more to do with my life than make people live in fear of me tearing them apart with my vicious rhetoric.*

Also, I’m going to say something metaphorical and weird. There’s a concept that some people have of writing, kind of based off of Greek mythology, that we all have a muse that inspires us to write the things we do. Well guess what. I don’t know if I have a muse, but if I do have a muse, and if you are my muse, you are now my ex muse, because you are fired. Mostly because I have eight o’clock classes and I’m sick of being inspired until two in the morning.

Thank you.

SOME MYTHZ CONCERNING BOYZ AND GURLZ...

THERE IS SUCH THING AS A FRIENDZONE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

This might be a harsh way to start things off, but seeing as it is one a.m., you can take it for what it is and ascribe anything you don’t like to my lack of comprehension at unholy hours of the morning.

Guys. I don’t know how many times I have heard you say things like, “You can’t find a good guy because they’re all in the Friend Zone,” or, “I’m perfect for you, but you won’t realize that because I’m in the Friend Zone,” or, “Let us have a moment of silence for our brother in the Friend Zone.” These statements seem to make a lot of sense to you, which is interesting, because they make no sense to me. As if there was this magical state of emotion which prevented a girl from being interested in you, based on questionable factors in your relationship? Oh…you know what…wait. You’re right. That actually is something legit. Except it’s called, SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.

I’m sorry if this hurts, but girls don’t reject you or even refrain interest in you because they want to "just stay friends." They do those things because they don’t want to date you. And whether or not it was a coping mechanism or just the effects of rampant female lying, somehow guys have developed the concept that girls can’t date their friends? Are you kidding me? Every married adult I know would say their spouse is/was their best friend, and the same goes for a lot of the couples I know and think have a chance at making the big time. Honestly, if you are legitimately a friend of a girl, she has considered dating you at one point.

…move past it…

Okay? Okay. The idea behind this comes from the actual definition of a woman, as can be combed from the depths of my universally applicable experiences.

Woman: (noun) psychopath

I’m not going to speak for the totality of womankind, because I hope to goodness gracious I am wrong, but women are literally so obsessed with dating and finding someone special that they really do go through all their options, probably several times, before they’re sure about whether or not to cross someone completely off the list. (Yes. We have lists. They’re flipping efficient.) When girls say they haven’t considered someone, they don’t mean they never considered dating them, but that they never considered following through with it. And if you’re in the “Friend Zone,” whatever the crap that is, I’m guessing you probably have been considered twice as much as anyone else on the list. However, that also means she knows you better, and she’s more aware of the facets of your personality that wouldn’t click or, to continue the trend of unnecessary harshness, turn her off. And the reason she’s rejecting you isn’t solely because she wants to be friends with you, because she does want to be friends with you, but she wants to be friends with you and not date you. You can date and still be friends. But you can also date and break up and hate each other. She respects you enough to avoid that possibility. So why don’t you respect her?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HARMLESS FLIRTING.

You will never meet a normal woman. If she is normal, she is actually an introvert waiting to pounce on you like a quirky mountain lion who likes singing loud country music karaoke.

That’s...not the point.

Think about girls. Now think about girls and Pinterest. You show them a set of cute, matching dresses, they fill them with their best friends and plan their wedding around them. You show them a sparkly necklace, they match it with a dress and plan their wedding around it. You show them a cactus, they put it in a cute little pot and hand it out as favors at the wedding they planned around it.

You see this!? YOU SEE WHAT WE ARE? Now. How on EARTH would you think that goofing around and flirting with someone without the intention of at least some form of further consideration could ever be even a little beneficial? Really? What are you going to do? You’re going to confuse her like nothing on this planet, and from there she has to reconsider you—which is a lot of effort and theoretical wedding planning—as well as piece through the options, which are these:

1. That’s just the way you act, in which case, you will never be considered, ever. Just like the boy who cried wolf never got help from anyone when the wolf came, if you actually start liking her, she’ll never believe you, and she’ll blow you off like she’s learned to always do in order to cope with the emotions you screwed with.

2. You just did it for kicks and giggles, which is just rude, and now you really will never have a chance.

Girls are like elephants; we never forget anything. Also, if you cross us, we’ll bust up your car.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “DOING BETTER.”

Alternate title that was way too long: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS BASED EVEN A LITTLE ON SOCIAL PERCEPTION.

Hopefully this is something that passed in high school and most of us have gotten over this, but I’ll say it anyway, because people have a tendency to disappoint me. Also, I'm grumpy. Girls. This is for you. If a guy has ever asked you out, and the reason you said no was because your friends think he’s weird or because you were afraid what everyone would think of you, guess what? You’re a terrible person. Ohh, I know you haven't ever done that...and that you're lying...no...stop...shut up. I’ve done it too, so don’t start yelling. But really! I know you’ve heard that ALL guys are stupid and cruel and not worth investing in until they’re older, or maybe that they’re awkward or confusing. My mom said things like that to me all the time. Granted, she said basically the same thing about mayonnaise, but we won’t go there. Here’s what I propose:

Will you marry me?

GET IT!?

Good gravy it’s late.

Aelktjlsgkmslk. This is my idea: if a guy asks you out that you aren’t completely sure about, the first thing you should NOT do is talk to your best friend about it. Or any of your friends. Talk to them later, of course, but when this first happens, don’t go spreading it around like the crap they give the Bachelor** on People Magazine. Sit and think about it by yourself. Maybe talk to your mom. But go through the reasons you don’t want to go out with him.

...kind of weird...

...awkward...

...kind of mean to me once...

...kind of smells like cheese...

Now look at that list.

I bet you this: half of those are complete bullcrap, and you won’t go out with him because everyone thinks he’s weird. Sure, he’s a nice guy, but he dresses weird. Of course, you have great talks, but your best friend doesn’t think he’s worth it. Hey, he’s actually got a job and a car and a good relationship with his mom, but the girls you hang out with think you can do better.

Now let’s be realistic.

If all guys have the characteristics of mayonnaise, how is one better than the other? He may treat you better, he may be more compatible with you, heck he may be better looking than the entire flipping school, but say he is better than the dorky kid who you turned down for winter formal, and you, my dear, are lying to yourself, and that dorky kid deserved more of a chance than you or your friends ever gave him. You will never do better than him. You may do different and end up happier, but your interest and attraction to him will never take his worth away.

Well that got way too flipping deep. Next topic.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NOT WEARING DEODORANT.

This doesn’t have much to do with dating, except that dating will not happen without deodorant, so it’s actually the foundation of all relationships. Some people just don’t want to wear deodorant, and to them I say, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”***

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WORTH DETERMINED BY BEING ASKED OUT.

Of all of the extensive topics I'm covering, this one is the one that makes me the angriest. Probably because I believed it so long, and so many people I know believed it or still do. Plus, seeing as my dating experience could be called anything but extensive, this is probably the only one I'm actually qualified to write...woops.

Girls.

Guys.

Dogs with a lot of feelings.

You. CAN. NOT. Tell yourself this.
EVER.

Look at yourself.

Now back to me.

Now back to your man.

NOW BACK TO sorry.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to date someone. It's 100% normal. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone. It's totally not normal, but humanity and self-control still operate on the level of respectable acquaintances. It's still a good thing.

Your character and your beauty and your talent and your intellect and your heart and your purpose are all fundamental to your being. All unique to yourself. And you know what I noticed and you should have noticed about all of those things?

NONE OF THEM INVOLVE ANOTHER PERSON.

You don't need anyone to affirm your character. Are you a person? You have character. Respect it.

You don't need anyone to affirm your beauty. Are you a physical being? You have beauty. Own it.

You don't need anyone to appreciate your talent or your intellect. You think. You do. You are a time bomb of excellence.

Do you have a heart? The answer is yes. And that heart is shaped so as to fit into the hearts of others, and to hold those other hearts in your own. The capacity to love is the most unique and unfathomable characteristic of humanity. Who cares if someone hasn't decided to date your heart? You flipping have one. You have been bestowed with the greatest gift ever given to mankind, and it will never be something that deserves to be taken for granted.

I KNOW THIS IS SAPPY AND DEEP BUT I PROMISE IT'S FULL OF TRUTHFUL...STUFF...!

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RULES/FAIRNESS. (i.e., girl code)

Hopefully this scares you. If it doesn't...I mean, I just gave you a whole lotta mush about how you have a beautiful heart...but you might not have a soul.

This is one heck of a juxtaposition.

I realize that most of you have probably not thought about this, or you have but never put it to words. What I mean by this is that, despite how you expect things to pan out, the reality is that “all is fair in love and war.” And I’m not saying that because I want it to be true. I’m saying that because in love, just as in life and death situations, people don’t think rationally. I’m saying this because no matter how great you think you are, or you think someone else is, for that matter, you or they will turn into a giant flying backstabbing ninja star over a boy if you like him enough. Always. And sadly, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Now, I also know that some of you haven’t realized this either:

There is such a thing as class.

And tact.

And being a slut.

So don’t go crying to me when people get mad at you, or say things like, “There are no rules! Why is everyone angry!?” They’re not angry because you “didn’t follow the rules.” They’re angry because you’re a obnoxious human being.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS, “IT’S ONLY OFFICIAL IF IT’S FACEBOOK OFFICIAL.”

I don’t need to hash this out because it should be completely obvious that it's freaking stupid.

The only reason I recommend putting it on Facebook is so people who think your boyfriend is cute can be cut off at the pass of internet-stalking (like I have been so many times before...what?), and because who doesn’t like opening up their profile and finding 100,000 notifications?

Once I stalked my friend Jenessa’s photo album of her trip to Alaska, and via likes and comments gave her 143 notifications in one hour. Hello.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS.”

Seriously, is that sentence even grammatically accurate? I’ve typed it so many times that the phraseology is oozing out my ears and it looks wrong.

Also it’s kind of orange…gross.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.

Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. Sacrifice is hard. If you think it's going be all holding hands and skipping through flowery meadows and making out in line at Disneyland, you are so far from being right. So cut yourself a little slack. Cut other people slack. Let's all get slack. Slack...line. Hipsters. Date...hipsters.

Your goal is not a perfect relationship. You have nothing to "achieve" or "prove" or "show off." Your goal is to love someone. And love is flipping intense.

But when it's actually love, it will have been worth all this crap all along.

So CALM DOWN.

don't worry...be happy...wooo de doo dum dum de dooo...

fin.

*Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.

**YOU GUYS IT'S SEAN AND I'M GONNA DIEEEE okay.

***Plato? Or not.