You're welcome, Rica.

The other day, I was making some brownies for a friend that I promised her a month ago, and as I was reading the instructions, I noticed that I was a complete idiot for not having them memorized already. I imagined all the scratch bakers in the world laughing as I looked at the little picture of eggs and the measurements of the water and oil, which, if you have not noticed, are probably the only ingredients besides the mystery powder that went into all of your birthday cakes. Mmmm. Either way, for some reason my mind was running rampant at the time, and I decided to interpret the back of the box into what I actually was thinking while I was cooking.




BROWNIES: (or so you think)


For fudgy brownies, which turn out the same way as the other kind but are undercooked, because let's face it, if you're making box brownies then you fail at life, you will need:
2 eggs. (see the pretty picture?)
1/4 cup water.
Be sure to not use the measuring cups that Dad used to garden.
1/2 cup oil.
The powder in the DON'T THROW IT AWAY box.
For cakelike brownies, you need a box of chocolate cake mix and the ingredients required therein.
Now you may move on to step two.
...step one.


STEP 1: Preheat oven to 350 degrees for glass or metal pans and 325 degrees for dark or nonstick pans. Yes, those pans are metal too. Just heat it to 325 to be safe.
Grease bottom of pan with shortening or cooking spray.
Go buy shortening because you don't have any.
Now grease it.
Good job.


STEP 2: Empty brownie mix, eggs (go back to the top and check how many), oil and water in a large bowl. No this isn't large enough. Start over.
Stir until you darn well feel like quitting.
Spread in greased pan, carefully hiding the powdery parts that you didn't mix well enough and bake immediately. Or when the oven finishes preheating. Oh wait. I haven't done that yet.

STEP 3: Lick spoon. Find smaller spoon and scrape chocolate off inside of bowl. Sneak bits of batter out of the pan. Waste half an hour eating batter.

STEP 4: Bake at the following times (I'm not typing this out because I sincerely doubt you care). Add 3-5 minutes for dark or non-stick pans. Oh crud, I forgot to grease it. Brownies are done when toothpick inserted blah blah blah blah comes out clean? What? Just like cake?

STEP 5: Wait for oven to finish preheating.

STEP 6: Finish anatomy homework.

STEP 7: YAY!! 325!!! Put it in and wait some more!!!

STEP 8: Remove brownies after you get sick of smelling their deliciousness, resist temptation to devour them on the spot, turn off oven so that you don't burn down your place of residence, and leave them out all night uncovered because, well, as I said, you're making box brownies. You're not the brightest cookie in the jar.
Uhh.