I’m in one of those moods where I’m convinced I’m an expert
in a field that would slap me if it knew I was talking about it like this.
Today’s field is cooking. I like cooking, because I really like food. And out
of respect to cooking, I apologize. But I have a good feeling this will be
moderately helpful.
Actually, it’s not just about cooking. It’s about food. Food
in college.
If you didn’t already infer that.
For the sake of my dignity and the relevance/applicability
of this post, my roommates’ wisdom will be heavily incorporated.
…for the freshmen.
It’s important for you to remember that you are in college,
which infers two things: you’re always hungry, and you’re always broke. I know
that all the movies and TV shows have told you differently, but you probably
aren’t going to be ordering takeout and pizza every weekend. That pizza was
funded by the people who made the movie that lied to you, and those people are
funded by Hollywood, who is funded by all the money your parents wasted sending
you to midnight premieres of the Batman movies. You more or less brought this
on yourself. But that’s okay! The important thing is to realize this before
it’s too late, and all you can afford is Ramen.
This brings up another good point: Ramen. I know Ramen is a
running joke synonymous with young Americans and fiscal lack. This can be taken
as a sign that you should avoid Ramen at all costs, or that you should only
ever eat Ramen, ever, until you’re sneezing noodles. There really isn’t a
balanced view on eating Ramen (not that we need to have a think tank or
anything, on this or any form of prepackaged food item), that it’s okay once in
a while, or that you should only eat it on this day of the week. There really
doesn’t need to be. The rubber doesn’t hit the road when you form an opinion on
it, it hits the road when you’re strolling through the grocery store and
realize that you can get five of your next meals for a dollar.
Thirdly. This is the most important one, so I’m going to
drive it home.
I KNOW the freshman fifteen is all anyone ever talks and
teases about. I KNOW that you think you’re supposed to look hot and stylin’ and
put together, all the time. And I KNOW that coming home heavier is a little
daunting. But do. Not. Let. That. Rule. You. I promise it is just as scary coming home and having your mom and your
high school friends and every sweet old lady at church come up to you and ask why you’ve
gotten so thin. People (with class) generally won’t come up to you and inquire
about your weight. If they comment on it, it means they’re worried.
It’s not worth it. It’s so not worth it.
And just think about it logically, too. What else goes along
with freshman year? A lot of times, kids leave the house and start partying
like crazy, and they start drinking, maybe not a ton, but more than they used
to. College parties are put on by college students who don’t have a lot of
money, and would want to buy inexpensive liquor. They aren’t going to dish it
out for high end tequila; they’re going to buy cheap beer. And beer has so many calories. Honestly, there’s a reason
you call them “beer bellies.”
All I’m trying to say is be careful. Your metabolism will
change and your body will change. But so will your mind and your soul and your
interests and your friends and your plans, and basically everything. Embrace
it.
Lastly, use your meal plan. You’ve already paid a ton for
these meals; don’t waste them. I know the food is gross. Get used to it. Also, I’m
guessing that you probably packed about twelve bags of Sour Patch Kids, and I
respect that. You won’t have any trouble eating those. Have snacks. Have Easy
Mac. Have cereal and granola bars. But don’t forget the green stuff. Sesame
Street put millions of dollars into campaigning so that you wouldn’t leave out
your five servings of fruit a day. Tangerines go a long way, as do carrots and
snap peas.
Actually lastly (oops), get a water bottle, and get a
backpack with a place to clip it.
...for the apartmenterz.
All I have to say about this is that I know essentially nothing about cooking, but still manage to make a lot of my own meals, so have no fear.
Here is how.
Pasta goes with everything.
Here is how you cook pasta:
1. Boil water (wait for the big bubbles).
2. Dump in pasta.
3. Wait for pasta to cook. (Spaghetti will stick to the ceiling when it's cooked completely.)
4. Dump out water.
5. Consume voraciously.
So SIMPLE. Also, so tasty. Heat up some sauce (you can use the microwave if cooking the pasta has you undone) and you are good to go.
To go off of that, buy a lot of food that only involves boiling water as the other ingredient. Like coffee. Or jell-o. Or eggs. Or rice. Or oatmeal. Or freeze dried food in boxes. Follow this path and invest in a good water heater. I'm pretty sure ours harnesses the power of lightning because it boils in a literal minute, but I don't know where we got it and I don't ask questions.
You will consume a lot of canned soup (or Ramen) regardless of whether or not you want to, so be bold and try something besides chicken and stars.
Invest in tuna.
And Tuna Helper.
Frozen pre-cooked chicken is available for those who are a danger to themselves. Frozen chicken can be cooked in the microwave. I cook it by pushing it around on a frying pan (that's the official terminology, actually) until the edges are burned. Sometimes I cut up apples and put it in with the chicken. See? Barely any effort, but everyone else will be like, 'Dang, check her out,' and not because I'm hot.
Have a go-to salad dressing that you can use in...um, salads.
Eat spinach, because it has iron in it, and anemia is when you don't have iron and become sickly, and you don't want that.
Fruit and vegetables can be eaten raw or cooked in the same way as the chicken was, and eating them will help you not die.
Apples have caffeine in them.
Buy a Brita filter.
Learn how to make a good sandwich. This will take effort.
A. Buy bread.
B. Pick a lunch meat (or a protein element). I always always always always have turkey, and that's just part of who I am. If you aren't a turkey person, who cares; be true to your inner lunch meat. My dad identifies with bologna, and he's still a swell individual.
C. Decide if you want cheese. Again, follow your heart.
D. Pick a vegetable (or fruit) (or two) (or twelve) that you appreciate and would like to consume jointly with the other ingredients. If it is not shaped for ideal sandwich creation, chop it up.
E. Pick a gooey bottom layer (e.g., cream cheese, avocado, mustard, Nutella).
Decide if you want to toast your bread. If you do...then do it. Spread your gooey bottom layer on one slice of bread. Now add the everything else, with maybe salt and pepper. Now put the top slice on. YOU DID IT. LOOK AT YOU.
I know you know all this, but this is an important checklist, and it will help you grocery shop. If you always put hummus as your gooey bottom layer, keep hummus around. Or whatever. It speeds up the process.
Really, I just like to act like I know everything.
DECIDE WHO IS BUYING WHAT AND WHEN AND WHERE AND HOW. AND WORK OUT A DIFFERENTIATION SYSTEM.
Here's what we do. We all buy groceries. We have communal bread, tortillas, turkey, cheese, and tea, and the twins let me use their milk in my coffee. We TAKE TURNS buying replacements. Everything we want for ourselves only has our NAME on it. If we cook together, we try to pool. If we need to borrow an ingredient, we ask nicely with profuse assurance that we will replace it. It sounds rogue, but it worked for us. This may not work for you, because you may not be as close to your roommates as we are. But you still live together.
Learn how to cook eggs. Eggs are protein. You need protein.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1wjhJaAC4Y
This is a video about cooking eggs. I have not watched it, so I hope there is no vulgarity.
Find a cereal staple. Mine is Captain Crunch.
Maybe don't make yours Captain Crunch, because I don't always feel 100%.
Tupperware should be your very best friend and should keep your leftovers in them. But make sure you actually eat your leftovers, so you don't start hanging out with your other best friend, moldy applesauce.
Big bucket of yogurt + big box of granola = breakfast for the rest of your life
Fish sticks + tortillas + salsa = fish tacos
Canned corn + salsa = salsa 2.0
Peanut butter + anything = snack
Pizza dough + nutella + marshmallows = magic
Don't be afraid to hit up Pinterest if you have a little extra dinner-cooking ambition, a couple extra grocery dollars, and roommates who are willing enough to consume the mystery that comes out of the oven.
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't be afraid of cooking. There will always be instructions online and there will always be easy recipes. And cooking your own food is so dang satisfying. The most important thing to remember is that eventually, you will probably have to cook for yourself, and probably other people, if you like your friends, and better to learn sooner than hide behind a facade of Easy Mac for the next six years. Experimentation is your friend, if you just use your common sense and maybe Google.
The final and most important rule of college cooking is to always steal food from your parents whenever you visit.
The end.
...for the apartmenterz.
All I have to say about this is that I know essentially nothing about cooking, but still manage to make a lot of my own meals, so have no fear.
Here is how.
Pasta goes with everything.
Here is how you cook pasta:
1. Boil water (wait for the big bubbles).
2. Dump in pasta.
3. Wait for pasta to cook. (Spaghetti will stick to the ceiling when it's cooked completely.)
4. Dump out water.
5. Consume voraciously.
So SIMPLE. Also, so tasty. Heat up some sauce (you can use the microwave if cooking the pasta has you undone) and you are good to go.
To go off of that, buy a lot of food that only involves boiling water as the other ingredient. Like coffee. Or jell-o. Or eggs. Or rice. Or oatmeal. Or freeze dried food in boxes. Follow this path and invest in a good water heater. I'm pretty sure ours harnesses the power of lightning because it boils in a literal minute, but I don't know where we got it and I don't ask questions.
You will consume a lot of canned soup (or Ramen) regardless of whether or not you want to, so be bold and try something besides chicken and stars.
Invest in tuna.
And Tuna Helper.
Frozen pre-cooked chicken is available for those who are a danger to themselves. Frozen chicken can be cooked in the microwave. I cook it by pushing it around on a frying pan (that's the official terminology, actually) until the edges are burned. Sometimes I cut up apples and put it in with the chicken. See? Barely any effort, but everyone else will be like, 'Dang, check her out,' and not because I'm hot.
Have a go-to salad dressing that you can use in...um, salads.
Eat spinach, because it has iron in it, and anemia is when you don't have iron and become sickly, and you don't want that.
Fruit and vegetables can be eaten raw or cooked in the same way as the chicken was, and eating them will help you not die.
Apples have caffeine in them.
Buy a Brita filter.
Learn how to make a good sandwich. This will take effort.
A. Buy bread.
B. Pick a lunch meat (or a protein element). I always always always always have turkey, and that's just part of who I am. If you aren't a turkey person, who cares; be true to your inner lunch meat. My dad identifies with bologna, and he's still a swell individual.
C. Decide if you want cheese. Again, follow your heart.
D. Pick a vegetable (or fruit) (or two) (or twelve) that you appreciate and would like to consume jointly with the other ingredients. If it is not shaped for ideal sandwich creation, chop it up.
E. Pick a gooey bottom layer (e.g., cream cheese, avocado, mustard, Nutella).
Decide if you want to toast your bread. If you do...then do it. Spread your gooey bottom layer on one slice of bread. Now add the everything else, with maybe salt and pepper. Now put the top slice on. YOU DID IT. LOOK AT YOU.
I know you know all this, but this is an important checklist, and it will help you grocery shop. If you always put hummus as your gooey bottom layer, keep hummus around. Or whatever. It speeds up the process.
Really, I just like to act like I know everything.
DECIDE WHO IS BUYING WHAT AND WHEN AND WHERE AND HOW. AND WORK OUT A DIFFERENTIATION SYSTEM.
Here's what we do. We all buy groceries. We have communal bread, tortillas, turkey, cheese, and tea, and the twins let me use their milk in my coffee. We TAKE TURNS buying replacements. Everything we want for ourselves only has our NAME on it. If we cook together, we try to pool. If we need to borrow an ingredient, we ask nicely with profuse assurance that we will replace it. It sounds rogue, but it worked for us. This may not work for you, because you may not be as close to your roommates as we are. But you still live together.
Learn how to cook eggs. Eggs are protein. You need protein.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1wjhJaAC4Y
This is a video about cooking eggs. I have not watched it, so I hope there is no vulgarity.
Find a cereal staple. Mine is Captain Crunch.
Maybe don't make yours Captain Crunch, because I don't always feel 100%.
Tupperware should be your very best friend and should keep your leftovers in them. But make sure you actually eat your leftovers, so you don't start hanging out with your other best friend, moldy applesauce.
Big bucket of yogurt + big box of granola = breakfast for the rest of your life
Fish sticks + tortillas + salsa = fish tacos
Canned corn + salsa = salsa 2.0
Peanut butter + anything = snack
Pizza dough + nutella + marshmallows = magic
Don't be afraid to hit up Pinterest if you have a little extra dinner-cooking ambition, a couple extra grocery dollars, and roommates who are willing enough to consume the mystery that comes out of the oven.
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't be afraid of cooking. There will always be instructions online and there will always be easy recipes. And cooking your own food is so dang satisfying. The most important thing to remember is that eventually, you will probably have to cook for yourself, and probably other people, if you like your friends, and better to learn sooner than hide behind a facade of Easy Mac for the next six years. Experimentation is your friend, if you just use your common sense and maybe Google.
The final and most important rule of college cooking is to always steal food from your parents whenever you visit.
The end.
