This is the epic tale of how I coped with the fact that I would be doing my own laundry in college, in the form of ancient Chinese poetry. I hope you don't vomit.
I'm disappointed.
Laundry is no longer free
Darn stupid college.
I am in charge now.
I must wash ALL my clothing.
Darn STUPID college.
My mother and I
Embarked on a long journey
To procure supplies.
I am italics.
My mother has quotations.
I hope you get it.
--
No! Please no laundry!
I cannot pay for laundry!
I am far too poor!
"Fabric softener,
Detergent, stain remover..."
I do not like this.
Can't I use Febreze?
At least I will not smell bad!
"That is disgusting."
Now I had to pay,
Although I had no money.
I began to search.
Hmm...a stray quarter...
Can I have this for college?
I could wash...a sock.
Another quarter...
I could always just take it...
Daddy won't miss it.
"Here is some change, dear.
We saved it all in a jar,
Over twenty years..."
Sometimes my mother
Forgets important things, like
MASSIVE JARS OF CASH.
This jar was so big
That we could not carry it.
AND WE STILL HAD MORE.
Many hours later,
We had found many coin jars,
And snatched their silver.
Then Mom thought of one
That Dad had in his sock drawer.
We captured that too.
Unfortunately,
The jar had grown quite heavy.
Yet we plodded on.
It was very hard
To bring the coin jar upstairs,
And I almost died.
I apologize
For how very sucky these
Verses are getting.
Mommy thought deeply.
"I want to know the value.
Dump out the coin jar."
Why do we need to?
"For curiosity's sake."
Well that's annoying.
So we counted them,
All of those stupid quarters.
I was quite angered.
"Please! Let's just count them...................
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS.
Man, we are LOADED."
Now I am happy.
I can do all my laundry!
Well. If I have time.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Little quicky baby post.
This really actually isn't anything very long and exciting, but I found it humorous, so I thought I would share it with you, because I love you guys that much.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
Now translate it back.
The end. Have a nice day.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
"私はアメリカ合衆国の国旗に、そしてそれはすべてのために自由と正義と、不可分の、神の下、一国の略のための共和国に忠誠を誓う."
Now translate it back.
"I have the national flag of the United States, and it is with liberty and justice for all, indivisible, under God, loyalty to the republic for almost a country."Try throwing that one at your teacher in fourth grade history.
The end. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
How to create a successful Facebook status.
Now. I know what some of you are thinking. Let me assure you, you did not leave the oven on, or your local fire department would have called by now.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
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