At least they didn't change anything too important. Like this weird font I always use.
It's been a while, so...hello.
College is still fun.
I made soap in lab today and then tested it on myself and apparently that was legal.
That was an experience.
...yup...
...okay look. It's been a little goofy over here in this city of sketchy tacos, and all my frustration that I like to bottle up into public displays of sarcasm has displayed itself around situations that would be unkind to write about, because they're personal and enough people have already been hurt. And a lot of my friends reading this understand that this past month, especially, has wigged out essentially all of us, and there's been heightened tension and excess swearing and a couple of us even went to therapy.
But I do know that I'm not the only person who's stressed, because next Tuesday is May 1st, and to some of you that means nothing beyond the fact that it is a Tuesday, but for a select few of you, it implies something huge that has the potential and probability to change the course of your whole life. It's a national holiday, unbeknownst to most, called "National Sign Your Life Away to College Day."
It might actually have a real name, but that's not important.
So in light of these poor little seniors and overachieving and most likely obnoxious juniors' predicaments and fears, and because I know exactly how they felt last year when I made my terrifyingly real decision to commit somewhere, the topic of today's post is college and the things about it that are actually important to know.
Keep in mind that the MythBusters haven't even touched this topic, so this is naturally difficult territory to approach.
College: the knock-off MythBusters edition [alternate title: Some tips and stuff].
- Caffeine addictions are scary. So is falling asleep in the middle of a fifteen page paper and waking up an hour before class. Don't lie to yourself.
- Sooner or later, you will have to realize that your money is vanishing. Realize it sooner.
- Procrastination is all the happiness of dating someone and all the despair of being dumped the night before an exegetical paper is due. Don't make that mistake.
- College wifi is from hell, and wireless printers are the devil.
- Change your sheets. Bed bugs are real.
- Buy a lot of those pretzels with the peanut butter in them. You'll thank me later.
- Don't be embarrassed when you go home and start crying over how good dinner is.
- You probably only need to do laundry once every two weeks.
- You also really only need to wash your jeans once every...five wears. Not that I do that.
- Realize that no matter how hard you try, your dorm room will still look horrifically cramped.
- Your roommate PROBABLY won't be a psychotic murderer. But it's your decision to trust me.
- Roommates will either be your best friends, your worst enemies, your best friends become worst enemies, your awkward house guests, any range of acquaintanceship, or never there. All of those options are fair game. Be ready for anything.
- Keep your part of your room clean. Your roommate will either love you or not care. It helps to err on the side of safety.
- Fish poop a lot and then they die. Something to keep in mind.
- If your parents aren't sending you care packages...ask them to. Love and free cookies.
- You can't do all your homework in an hour anymore.
- You can't not do your homework and still get A's, either.
- RESPECT your profs. Unlike some of your past high school teachers, they actually do know what they're talking about. Most of them have doctorates, and...they might have written your textbook. It's absolutely terrifying.
- High stress situations can be somewhat alleviated by Youtube videos of laughing babies.
- Learn how to longboard.
- Get a power strip because electricity systems in dorms suck almost as much as having your computer explode spontaneously.
- I know you want to be that kid who pulls all-nighters because it's funny and exciting to do everything last minute. Be the kid who makes everyone feel bad about how behind they are, even if they aren't behind, because you're just so ridiculously ahead. Then they'll pull up their work effort and do better, and then their grades will go up, and then the average GPA will go up, and then your school can become more selective and break the hearts of all the obnoxious freshmen you went to high school with. And that's funny.
- You will write fifteen page papers in college. You will write twenty page papers in college. You will write thirty page papers in college. And you will live.
- ...you actually can write fifteen page papers in one night.
- Once or twice a week, naps are golden gifts from sweet dancing cherubs that float down from the sky with unicorn dust and baby dinosaurs. Every day, they start to become a problem.
- Bring an umbrella.
- Bring rain boots, and expect people from Washington to joke about California's lack of storm drains.
- RateMyProfessor.com is a delightful resource; keep in mind, however, that you must check the spelling of the entry to ensure you can take the reviewer's opinion seriously.
- Eventually you will realize that the ridiculous stuff you're doing with your friends is just as fun as whatever the crazy partiers are doing.
- Just because you're afraid of the freshman fifteen does not give you license to stop eating.
- There may come a point where you must schedule every ten minutes of your life to ensure that everything you need to do gets done. Have no shame.
- There may come a point where you can't get everything done, no matter how absolutely hard you try. Have no shame.
- Parking. Death. They are synonymous.
- Print EVERYTHING on LOW INK. It looks the SAME and it will save your life or $50. Both of those are good things.
- If you have snacks in excess, you will eat them. All of them. In ten minutes. The second you move into your dorm room. Hide them. (I know there's an awkward space here. I tried to fix it and nothing happened.)
- Boys do NOT magically become noble, romantic-comedy-material men when they turn eighteen. The only difference I've been able to notice in "college guys" [high schooler squeals] is that a lot of them have figured out how to grow awkward mustaches. I don't know who started that rumor, but I heartily debunk it.
- ALL the problems of being a teenage girl still apply in college. Acne, drama, hormones, self-esteem problems, and all manner of boy insecurities continue to progress. You just learn sneakier ways to deal with them.
- I know your parents and your grandparents and your uncles and aunts and neighbors all met their spouse while they were in college. Get over it.
- In desperate cases, there will ALWAYS be someone in your hall with chocolate and a copy of 27 Dresses.
- Make friends with the library. It loves you.
- Make friends with people who are smarter than you. They might not love you, but it's okay to be a little selfish.
- You can't get away with not studying for tests anymore.
- This is the weirdest for me: you can actually go over two days without showering.
- Even if you can't shower, you should still wash your face. It fools you into thinking you're clean.
- Post meaningless quotes by obscure famous people to make yourself feel better every once in a while.
I believe that is it. I would love to expand this if you happen to have any questions.
"Man must have just enough faith in himself to have adventures, and just enough doubt in himself to enjoy them." G. K. Chesterton
fin.
