First, I would like to say HAAAAPPY UNOFFENSIVE HOLIDAYS!!!! to my six followers.
Second, I would like to say MERRRYYY EVEN MORE UNNOFFENSIVE CHRISTMAKKANUQUANZA to everybody else who happens upon this.
Thirdly. I wrote a poem. And I hate it. But because I'm kind of in a mood (define that how you may), I decided to publish it anyway. It probably will depress you. But part of it is funny. You could just skip the end. The end is the sad part (it always is). I'm sorry if my attempts at depth and thought-provokingness are boring. I don't plan on doing it again. I just...ahhh who knows. It was supposed to be perky and uplifting but my brain wouldn't WRITE a perky and uplifting ending. So this happened.
Also if you see any lines that strike you as something fancy and poetic and mystical...that was an accident.
I'll probably offend people.
What's new.
--
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the stores,
The stresses were building under pressures galore.
There were dinners to buy and cookies to bake,
Not to mention the Christmas pictures left to take.
As the countdown continued, ten days became four,
And the shoppers were shopping and shopping some more!
The kids wrote their lists in unreadable fonts
To convey to their mothers what presents they'd want.
That commercial had yellow robots that had guns,
But if she got a blue one, they wouldn't have fun.
The jackets they wanted had to be Tony Hawk,
And terror would reign if she got them all SOCKS... (old joke)
The TV's were streaming from morning to night,
Their HD screens gleaming with goodness and light.
Just kidding.
Commercials poured out of the out-of-date speakers,
Saying to them, "Get new ones! And maybe some sneakers!
Buy video games full of violence and blood!
That's a good way to spend a day based on love!"
And the kids all said, "Ooohhhh," and their brains (which were rotted)
Told them, "That's what you need!" So their moms went and got it.
Meanwhile, back at the house, I was home with my mama,
Exhausted from finals and college's drama.
"What should I buy you for Christmas?" she said.
But I had no visions that danced in my head.
I thought of ideas, but they wouldn't form.
(My brain wasn't rotted. It was back in my dorm.)
So she made me explore, despite my contentment,
For she thought I'd be bummed out with only two presents.
On an outing last Wednesday, with Deb and my car,
I attempted to shop, but I didn't get far.
We ventured back home without losing much time,
For the outing, I fear, was less than sublime.
...let me explain.
The plazas I frequent have many good stores.
That's why I frequent them. That's what they're for.
But though I drive well, and there was enough room,
The parking, I found, was a gauntlet of doom.
And the faces I saw glaring down with great gall,
Left me wondering who really likes Christmas at all.
However. Today I went walking outside
On a simple excursion to see Christmas lights.
I saw families with babies and couples with wrinkles,
And friends taking pictures by blankets of twinkles.
There were trumpeters playing all sorts of sweet tunes,
And I saw fake snow fall in a night with no moon.
"This is Christmas," I thought, and I walked to a stand
Where I sought some hot cocoa to warm up my hands.
My friend spotted me with some cash, cuz I'm broke,
And our drinks were bestowed upon our chilly throats.
As we left, they called out, "Thank you for your donation!
It goes to support the Make a Wish foundation!"
...dang.
There are children in hospitals, sick as can be,
With just as much hope as we have Christmas glee.
In the midst of the decking the halls and the holly,
Is it too much to ask to PRETEND to be jolly?
What happened to "No matter what, you say 'Thank you,'"
And "Don't throw a fit; you're a brat, and I'll spank you"?
The Christmas-y joy I was hoping to know,
Is melting to puddles, as if it was snow.
Grandmas I imagined so rosy and sweet,
Almost crushed my front headlight on their way to the street.
Maybe you're stressed. You're grumpy. You're fill-in-your-answer.
There's a lot you must handle.
But you still don't have cancer.
(the end.)
Again, I don't like getting deep on here; it's kind of where I go to make fun of things that bother me, but...this bothered me...and I kind of made fun of it...and then I also felt like pointing out that I hate hate hate cancer. So yes.
And for those in our lives that are afflicted with cancer, then my prayer is that they especially have a Merry Christmas.
I think it's safe to assume it's yours too.
