As many of you know, earlier this week, the Los Angeles Kings received the Stanley Cup. For those of you who didn't know this, now you do. For those of you who don't know what the Stanley Cup is, then you shall know that as well: it is the highest award in all of American Hockey (the Winter Olympics would be considered international hockey, and I don't know if people care as much about it). For those of you who don't know what hockey is, tada! Hockey is what happens when you combine golf and boxing, drop it on a soccer field and freeze it.
Now that everyone's up to speed, I shall restate what I said earlier. The national champion of this American (but really Canadian) golf soccer is the team from Los Angeles, California.
Cool, right?
Well, that's what I thought. I grew up with hockey because my dad is from New York, and he used to flood his back yard and let it sit overnight in the winter and then play on it the next morning. Now, he is fulfilling his "dad" role well, sitting in the living room and yelling loud enough at referees for our friends on the front lawn to hear him clearly. Middle school was kind of traumatizing.
Speaking of my daddy, he's on a plane right now, and I CAN TRACK HIM.
THERE HE IS. HIS NOSE IS IN ARIZONA.
I don't think this image is to scale.
Oh. Hockey. Um. Well...okay. I'm happy for the LA Kings, because you don't just float to the Stanley Cup. So...der you go. Snaps for you. You go, Glen Coco.
Now I know that there are a lot of people in New Jersey who are very grumpy, because the Devils (the other team, not actual devils) lost the finals, and now they don't have the Stanley Cup. And I know a lot of people don't like the LA Kings, so they don't care. And I get that too. What I FAIL to understand is all the fans of the other teams who not only don't care, but have some obligation to let everyone know that the Kings suck, and that their team is better, and that the Kings suck, and that their team won the cup first so no one should care, and that the Kings suck.
Okay. I get it. I'm glad you're so proud of your team. And of course they're better than the Kings. Maybe that's why they did so well in the playoffs this year.
...
I just don't get how people can ride their self-esteem on a trophy that someone else is winning and someone else is playing for. This may just be one of those little pieces of life that I will never understand. Maybe because my hockey team is one of the eleven that have never won a hockey championship, I've devised a way of accepting it peacefully and finding enjoyment merely in its existence. I'm a hockey hippie.
So I have an idea. I know several of you could benefit a lot from this, and I really don't want anyone to try to burn down anything like what happened in Vancouver last year, so...
This is a little post-Stanley-Cup relaxation exercise for all the Kings-haters, because you're all really wound up and stressed and upset. I devised it myself, but I'm pretty sure it will work. (I also will definitely not be held liable.)
Yoga for angry hockey fans.
1. Take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale without yelling (that's key).
2. Find a comfortable couch to sit on, one that is not directly facing the television.
3. Sit up straight. Now lean forward, slowly and carefully, to engage the muscles in your lower back that have atrophied from your week of slouching. I realize that your butt probably has atrophied too, but I'm not licensed to deal with that kind of issue.
4. Sit up straight again (slowly, don't jerk back up like an idiot, you'll throw out your kidneys).
5. Lift your legs up until they are parallel to the floor and at a right angle to your couch. Alternate between legs. Imagine you are on a rink, skating very awkwardly toward a winning goal.
6. With a great sweeping motion (isn't that an awesome phrase), swing your arms from side to side as if you are high sticking everyone on the LA Kings. In the face.
7. Oops, you broke a lamp. Vacuum up the pieces so no one dies. But do it calmly.
8. Slowly and steadily, reach behind you, to stretch and relax your shoulders and to symbolize the fact that all the Stanley Cups your team has ever won are in the past and no one cares anymore. I also forgot to mention you should be breathing deeply this whole time. Lots of deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Pass out from hyperventilation.
9. Close your eyes. As you lift your arms to the sky, imagine yourself throwing your arms up in victory.
10. Now stand slowly, as if lifting the Stanley Cup to salute your screaming fans. Make it triumphant. You deserve this. After all, you won it.
11. Carefully bend over as if you were touching your toes.
12. Oh, look. You dropped the Stanley Cup and everyone hates you.
13. So do I. Have a nice day.
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