Yesterday, at EIGHT THIRTY IN THE FREAKING MORNING, I delivered my big little brother to football practice, and after a sitting behind a Chevy Suburban with a Ferrari license plate cover for a while (yeah, you're cool), I pulled into the parking lot and dumped him unceremoniously on the asphalt because I saw, sitting in the parking lot, another fellow older sister who I consider to be particularly exceptional.
Surprise friend in the parking lot at the old high school. We squealed a little. Hug sesh.
Typical.
I ended up staying for the length of practice to keep her from being eaten alive from boredom, like the saint I am. It was by far a more productive morning that I would have had anyway. (i.e., talking [usually] > sleeping) And it was one of the least awkward post-college classmate encounters I've had yet. But the conversation we struck up inspired me to write this post.
I'm really bad at the whole, "Oh hey, how's it going?" ish, because the phrase, "Oh hey, how's it going?" is most people's, including my own, trigger phrase for forgetting the English language. But after reading this (or writing it, if you're me) (that made sense), maybe we can all avoid the 39,857,934,247 awkward silences that exist within these high school graduate conversations, and help us start acting like the mature, intellectual college students that we are.
Debriefing yo' fellow alumni/chit chat with your homecats.
-Phase 1: The Recap Phase-
1. Start off with an evaluation of the university.
Ex: "So was MIT any good?"
This provides you a little time to get your conversational bearings, because not only are you full of opinions concerning all aspects that your school involves, but you've already been asked this question every day since you got home, so by now, you should have an answer. Use this time to think and talk simultaneously. (A word of caution: for some of you, that may prove very difficult.)
2. Question their status in their major.
Ex: "Are you still... [major]?"
Ask this tentatively; possible flunkage may have occurred and brought disappointment and frustration, and bringing this up can incur a reinstated depression, which has a tendency to make conversations real sucky. If they are still in their major, pretend not to know anything about it and question them intensely about what it is, interjecting "so good" and "how great!" into every sentence you possibly can.
Note: If they still are in their major, and you happen to be in the same one, start comparing classes and trying in subtle ways to convince them that yours was harder and your accomplishments were more significant, even though their GPA was three points higher than yours.
3. Ask them about their roommates.
Ex: "How was your roomate situation?" (I realize most of these questions are pretty self-explanatory and I didn't need this subheading. Oops.)
This alone could take up half an hour of conversation, because one out of every two roommates is weird. (I had two roommates. Let me rephrase that.) One out of every two living situations is uncomfortable. Statistically. Ish.
My standard reply is: "I loved my roommates; one was a feisty Mexican and the other was my little Tessa! She still doesn't understand why I call her that." (Tessa. The other one makes perfect sense.) In that case, I would have to rely on the other person in order to provide me with weirdness. If you both ended up having weird living sets, don't start dumping your weirdest stories on them. Use a few, but keep a good one in the back of your mind so you can one up them in an emergency effort to get them to shut up.
4. Ask them what classes they're taking next semester.
Ex: [...you can figure this out.]
Something interesting about colleges is that none of them are the same. (Duh.) So when you say you're taking Philosophy, for example, they might be confused, because that's not a required Gen Ed where they are. Or if they say they're taking New Testament Survey, you might be surprised because your school offers that as an upper division elective for Biblical Studies majors, whereas you know that the person you're speaking to is majoring in Early Childhood Studies. You shouldn't let that bother you. You should keep in mind, though, that the more units they're taking, the worse you're going to feel about yourself. Try bringing up the fact that you're taking Organic Chemistry eleven times. That might help.
-Phase 2: The Reminiscent Phase-
5. Use a common factor in your current lives to remind you of a shared memory.
Ex: (for choir geeks) "Remember when we were freaking sopranos?"
This should get you into all of your high school memories pretty smoothly, and by then the conversation is rolling. And no. I was never a soprano. Don't make me hurt you.
6. Obvious segway into discussing memories you shared with other people.
Ex: "One time, when we were looking for prom venues, our adviser told the manager of a restaurant that I was an alcoholic!"
-Phase 3: The Gossip Phase-
7. Discuss those other people's current lives.
Ex: "Let's list all the couples from our class that are still together! Go!"
Every adult I know is going to get on me for this because "gossip is bad." And then they're going to tell every other adult I know that I'm turning into bad seed. So I'll clarify.
You don't have to hate on everyone you graduated with for this to work. See the example? There. Good things. Talk about funny stories you've heard. Ask about people that you know they keep in contact with that you don't. What they've done, who they've met, where they're studying abroad. Cover everyone. And make sure, in the process, after discussing every boy you've ever liked, that you say, "Remember when I liked him? Oh geez...MISTAKE. Oh I'm so embarrassed; what will I ever do with myself. Blah blah blah blah blaahhh..."
8. List all the partiers. (or, if you are one of them, the nonpartiers, though that could get boring.)
Ex: "Fred, Mary, Fernando, Guadalupe..." (it's hard to come up with names my class didn't have.)
I'll get judged. You'll get judged, too. And everyone in your class gets judged. Judge judge judge.
Basically, just judge people.
I probably will get judged for writing this.
...I'm having that problem where judge doesn't look like a real word anymore. Judge. Judge? It looks like "joodgay."
Whatever.
-Phase 4: The Wind-down Phase-
(for your conversation and apparently my brain)
9. Talk smack about each other's colleges.
Ex: "HARVARD SUCKS."
This can be done in very subtle ways, like comparing recordings of your choir, talking about how many of your high school's current graduating class will be attending your college the next year, listing off hot seniors, and discussing sports and the fact that if they played each other, your school would definitely nail their school into the ground like a sledgehammer of athletic excellence. Have fun with it.
-Phase 5: The Grand Finale Phase-
10. Bring up the fact that despite all the promises made to you over the past four years, your high school still doesn't have a gym.
fin.
-Minor blurb for cheesy gratitude-
It is true that this post was inspired because of a conversation I had with a friend, but its immediacy is a different story; first of all, I have literally all day to sit around and do this, and second, on Tuesday, Meaningless Mumblings got to two thousand views (cumulatively, not just in one day), and I didn't know what else to do besides saying
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU
or write a new post. And this made it seem like I had my emotions a little more under control.
Also, at the time I started writing, I had put way too much Tabasco sauce on my taco and needed a break from eating and breathing.
I love you all and have a marvelous almost weekend!
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