Caution: opinion(z) included.

I really wanted to start this post off, “Ladies and gentlemen!” but alas, this post is going to be horrifically discriminatory, and the phrase, “Ladies!” is so often connoted with, "...ladies,” which you have to read in a majestically deep man voice to be funny, and I didn’t know how to type that.

So.

…ladies.

I realize I go off on you a lot, which is really too bad, but you seriously need to get a hold of yourselves. Really, I need to get a hold of myself, so we’re all in this together. And once we know who we are, we’re all stars, and we see that. And that will show where we stand, hand in hand, TO MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUEEEE OHHHH… EVERYBODY NOW!

That actually summed up my sentiments pretty well, and I didn’t have to be purposefully cheesy. Next point.

You don't have to listen to anything I say. Except this: stop telling yourself you aren't good enough. You are freaking fantastic. You are unique and I know you tell yourself it's a bad thing that people don't understand and obsess over everything about you, but it's so completely a good thing. I promise. Your incongruencies are not inadequacies.

Also, incongruencies is not a word. Yet.

Well, it's too bad that got all mushy, because I'm honestly (no, dishonestly) just going to write out a long list of frustrations and only say one thing that's a little meaningful, maybe. I should probably just go ahead before it gets any worse. This might cut deep. The thought process behind it was this one time my ministry professor talked about how defining our vocabulary was our primary concern, because we so often throw around words we don’t actually mean or understand. This followed that plane of thought.

Happy crying.

Girlcabulary (I know, so creative, right?)

1. Boys: fluctuations in confidence.

So hopefully we’ve established that boys don’t have cooties anymore, but I guess they don’t have feelings either. I don’t understand why it’s fair for them to only matter as long as we’re okay with it. So they like you. So you don’t like them. So freaking what. Stop stringing them along like your plaything where if you push a button nice words come out and you feel good. It's pretty rude.

2. Conversations: periods of extended whining.

Example: this blog post.

3. Awkward: that one time when you didn’t elicit cheering as a response.

I’m going to be real with you: you not being unfathomably sexy every second of the day does not constitute as “awkward.” I was homeschooled. In the boondocks. You don’t even know awkward.

4. Social justice: being nice to people who are ostracized collectively.

I’m all for protecting people who have been served an injustice by culture. Just keep in mind, a lot of those people include all of those friends of yours who are, how do I say this… a lot to handle. As in, hanging out with them isn’t a chill night at the movies, it’s probably playing therapist. Or maybe their interactions have confused some of your friends with a lower “awkward” tolerance, and you don’t want everyone to know how close you actually are to them. Or, probably, they’ve been set up for a great joke right now, maybe at their expense, but hey, they aren’t here, and it’s not like it isn’t true…

I mean, thanks for playing, but just because they don’t have a show on TLC doesn’t mean they don’t deserve your respect either.

5. Ex-boyfriend: not actually proof of anything.

You know what phrase I’ve heard a lot? “Well at least you’ve had a boyfriend.” Do you know what phrase I said a lot in high school? “Well at least you’ve had a boyfriend.” Do you know what phrase literally makes no sense at all?

Hint: it’s a pattern. Figure it out.

Taylor Swift has like eleven thousand ex-boyfriends. She also has like eleven thousand million billion dollars because she wrote songs about them.

These are really the only positive results that have ever come out of a breakup.

6. Let’s get coffee: you’ll never get coffee.
Awk.

7. Eating: something to be embarrassed about.

WOMEN. STOP FREAKING OUT EVERY TIME YOU EAT. MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS IT IS FOOD. IT IS FOR YOUR BODY’S CONSUMPTION.

So you like chocolate. Eat chocolate.

Don’t announce to the planet you ate chocolate and are so embarrassed you did so. Obviously they understand. It’s flipping delicious.

8. Thin: better than being fat.

9. Fat: worse than being thin.

Do you even know what fat is? Or thin? Do you even know what healthy weight is? The only person who is allowed to tell you you’re “fat” (or thin) is your doctor, and he does that to help your heart, not your appeal. Beauty is not a mold you have to fit into, and if you don’t, then rough life. Don’t even freaking go there. First everyone liked curvy women, then Twiggy-like women, then white women, then ethnically diverse women, then oh look, the cultural norm shifted, because that’s never happened before. There is something pretty darn attractive about you someone just hasn’t brought up yet. Wait it out.

10. Feminism: women have the right to be terrible people.

Before any of you pee your pants with indignation, let me explain. I don’t have issues with women’s rights. I think women are just as capable as men, and that it is wrong to be treated differently. What I’m tired of is feminism that involves yelling at men who offer their seats to you in the bus or bashing all of the opposite gender because they are incompetent (unless it comes to having babies, then bash away) or tyrannical or promoting the oversexualizing of women. I’m not saying they all aren’t, because some of them definitely are. But you play along with it. I don’t care if men want you to look like a Victoria’s Secret Model every morning, noon, and evening; you’re the one who’s walking around basically naked.

Feminism is not when the prince shows up and looks bravely up at a lava-surrounded castle’s tower and cries out, “Princess, let me save you from the fire-breathing dragon and your stifling isolation!” shouting over the roar of said fire-breathing dragon—who happens to be gnawing at her window and breathing fire, as usual—brandishing his sword and his newly purchased bridge-building kit, and looking all studly and capable, only to hear her call out, “No thanks, I got it, and I’m insulted that you think I’m not capable enough to manage my own affairs!” and then she is swallowed, and the prince is like, “What?”

Feminism is when the prince shows up and looks bravely up at the castle tower and yells, “Princess, let me…wait, what?” and notices suddenly the body of a once-fire-breathing dragon spanning the moat of lava, and the princess brandishing her fists of steel, saying, “Thanks for the sentiment, but I figured it out,” and the prince is all, “Cool, wanna make out?” and the princess says, “No thanks, I have standards.”

But that’s just my opinion.

11. Flirt: why someone else is a slut, but it doesn’t apply to you.

Why is everyone opposed to flirting? It’s great. Oh, that annoying girl is doing it, and she’s totally coming on to him, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR SHE TOUCHED HIS ARM, oh my gosh, what a whore.

COOL IT. Yeah, flirting is annoying, but it’s part of life, and I don’t really think you can control it. If you can, and that works for you, then…well, fine. I mean, I can control my flirting, but it involves me staring at the floor and not being responsive to certain individuals.

“Hi, Lydia, how’s it going?”

“…….” *runs away*

That’s how I get men.

Don’t not flirt because other girls will judge you. As we’ve already established, we’re all horrible people. You can totally flirt and be classy, and you honestly probably will end up having to do just that someday. And if a boy doesn’t realize you like him, and you want him to realize you like him and that maybe he should like you, you probably should laugh at his jokes and tell him he has nice hair.

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Well, sorry that was long. And offensive. And probably all wrong. Just remember: everyone matters. 
Including a lot of other people who happen to not be you.

And you.

fin.