I'm not one to say my opinion of politics, because I'm a firm believer in muttering the answer quietly to myself when the teacher calls on the class. (Career option #218: gone.)
I do however, have to vote this fall, and since I pretty much bash everything else on the planet...why not the presidency. I think I represent about, I don't know, all of voting America when I say that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. And yet, even with all the uninformedness running around out there, I still feel like I'm the only one who hasn't made some outright, bold-faced, utterly wrong conjecture and posted it to my Facebook. And I feel left out.
So. Here is me, looking out for the little people, joining with the 99% (whatever that is), taking a stand for complete incompetency, doing something to make the world just a little bit brighter. You know. All that crap.
Lydia's Bold Political Statement: Pun Intended
-Guaranteed to be longer than you care about!-
So.
I'll just start out by saying politics make me grumpy. There are many reasons, but first and foremost, it is because it makes my dad grumpy. And when my dad is grumpy, we end up doing a lot of chores. Secondly, I'm absolutely terrified of all solicitors. I hate insulting people. I hate being rude. And I hate having to run into Target with a crowd of strangers so that I don't have to sign a petition and/or admit that I'm still not registered. (She's still not registered? How is she even qualified to write this!?) Unless it concerns sex videos where they step on puppies and baby rabbits. I'll sign bills against that all day. (I don't actually sign the bill, do I? I think I just vote for it.) Even if the guy with the bill/petition/legal paper of importance has a Canadian flag tattooed on his wrist. Long story. (Once my mom was signing petitions outside of Target, and the guy had a Canadian flag tattooed on his wrist.)
Thirdly, I live at college, and that means that my mailing address, what with all its numbers and P.O.'s and university memorabilia,
WILL NOT FIT IN THE BOXES,
and no matter how hard you try explaining that to your mother, she still says it's a stupid reason to not be registered.
Let's discuss solicitors now, seeing as I'm in control of this conversation and you are not. Aside from my terror, I do not have a problem with soliciting, unless of course, there is an obvious sign or angry manager that says, "No Soliciting!" And then you should not do it. But if you feel like you should do it, then maybe you should do it. Because that's how the world works, you just go with what you feel and make run on sentences and do what you want and wear shirts with Bob Marley on them even though you know deep down that you're a poser. Um. But I think that soliciting for petitions is probably good, because it's a good way to...um, find people to sign them? I guess. You just have to realize that a lot of people are just going to avoid you very purposefully, a lot will probably be rude, and a couple (one) (me) are just going to stare at you very uncomfortably and then decide to go to a different store. My biggest issue is that you HAVE to be a respectful solicitor.
Good example: "Hello, ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you and interrupt all your important errands and jeopardize the nourishment of your family, but I'm working on this petition for the rights of all humanity..."
Bad example: "Would you like to help us send Obama on a permanent vacation?" (this was something I heard today, and I know it was about impeachment, but it sounded like assassination, and if I remember correctly, that doesn't work.)
Now I just have some general questions.
Two General Questions:
Firstly, aren't we supposed to vote for people besides the President? Who are they, and why aren't we hearing about them?
And secondly, are we supposed to capitalize President? (I've been doing it both ways and hopefully you haven't noticed. Oops, I just told you. Oh well.)
I know what you're thinking. No, seriously, this time I actually do. It's, "How the heck did Lydia pass Government?"
I don't know. But I passed Economics, too. And nothing against my teacher, but...we'll just say favoritism wasn't an issue.
I'll pretend, however, that a few of you are thinking, "Man, Lydia would make a crappy President." And that gets me thinking.
What would I do if I were president?
I pretty much know nothing.
Or maybe I'm pretending to be stupid like I did all through high school.* Bam.
I just lost all my friends right there.
Regardless of my intellectual ability, I do bear strong animosities toward a lot of stuff. And since vague hatred is all it takes to put up an argument in these here United States of Dissatisfaction...this is a list of all the things that I would do/illegalify if I was Mrs. President, the head honcho, Captainette America.
Lydia's Presidential Campaign:
You see this? Lydia is happy: happy blog post about happy music playlist. Lydia is grumpy? Long list of death. Controversial death. This could end up bad for everyone.
First of all, we get rid of the obvious problems. Slugs are gone. Worms would be on a form of permanent parole in which they could live peacefully as long as they stayed in the dirt, but immediately penalized/squashed when coming within a two inch radius of the sidewalk. I realize that's discrimination, but we have to stand for something. We bail on all "paranormal teen romance" books ever. That genre needs to be thrown out a metaphorical window. My brother thinks we should also ditch combination locks; I think there's always a place for nepotism in government. PLUTO COMES BACK. The word vase is pronounced right. Like v-ay-ss-e, and not like you have a hoity-toity head cold. Okra would be the national vegetable. Do we have a national vegetable? WE DON'T. This could happen. I hope okra is a vegetable. Hedgehogs are legal in California. Oh, what? That wouldn't work because hedgehogs would overproduce and then run rampant over the state? Um, who said THAT was a problem?
I can't deal with Snooki, I can't deal with Kim Kardashian (or her family), I can't deal with Nicki Minaj but I don't have to, because she's British. The other two can be sentenced to community service for destroying television because if I put them in jail, they'd probably die. Kristen Stewart can retire from acting forever, but she can say she's doing it so she can raise her and Rob Pattinson's vampire spawn. (I wrote this before anything happened with infidelity...........too soon.) Lady Antebellum Lipton commercials? Are you KIDDING me? Also, news stories will contain NEWS. (If it's CRUISE, it's not NEWS.) Miley Cyrus would be sentenced to being Hannah Montana until she died.
"Hannah Montana Forever"...FOREVER.
Fourth grade would be entirely devoted to the differentiation between its, it's, their, there, they're, your, and you're, because it's not like we learn anything important in fourth grade history or science in the first place. I'm allergic to mangoes, but they are tasty, so for the good of this country, we can keep them.
Also, I also have a theory that if we actually charged people the fines that we assigned to littering in the first place, we could pay off the national debt with the money gathered from California alone.
So let's do that.
...presidents can't do any of that, can they?
fin.
*that was a lot more personal than I intended to get in this post. Woops.
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