I've never had a moment where lightning struck me and showed me where my life was supposed to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to do as a career or as a person or even as a daughter who is eagerly waiting on dinner. I'm usually in the dark about things until someone else's decision makes it clear that maybe I shouldn't turn there or buy that brand of peanut butter.
Today, however, I did have one of those moments while I was at the movies. There wasn't any actual lightning, which would have been nice, because it was so dark we couldn't find a flippin' seat. Also, a really long preview for Brave was playing, and we thought we were in the wrong theater. That kind of threw us off initially, so even when we did find an unoccupied row, it was several rows further up front than it needed to be. Finally, I sat down, on top of Katie, and then on a seat too far away, and then on a good seat. The previews finished and the long awaited title scene flashed past us.
Thirty seconds later, I realized that I needed more than anything in my life at that very moment to blog about Snow White and the Huntsman.
So here we go.
I don't ever review movies, and I don't know what parameters are established around what you can and can't say, so I'm just going to tell you everything that happens and hope you can get over having such a masterpiece of film spoiled for you.
Organizationally, I will be chunking (not a word; that's dumb) the major events into sections, headed by the exclamation I proclaimed into the theater at that time.
P.S. This is why no one likes watching movies with me.
Snow White and the Huntsman (alternate title, Ten Seconds of Abs Make This Movie)
"That's......nice."
In a creepy twist, we find that the naming and coloration of the princess was based off of an incident in which the queen pricked her finger and blood dripped onto the snow, and her mother decided she wanted a child with skin as white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair dark as a raven's wing (wherever the raven came in, I have no idea). Lucky for them, it actually happened, and even luckier for them, they were cast in a fantastic society in which a name like "Snow White" would not ostracize their child. Cue heartwarming scene of Snow White and potential (duh) future love interest, William, saving injured bird, and symbolic image of partially eaten apple falling to the ground. Then of course the queen dies, like she does in every princess movie ever, leaving the king emotionally ravaged and unstable and susceptible to the wiles of a psychotic hottie.
"I don't want to see this."
Post two-second inadequately-explained fake battle, psychotic hottie (told you) weds grieving father, and wedding night "ceremony" commences. Truthfully, nothing really happened, but some of the things that Papa mumbles to his new Queenie suggest that perhaps he was not grieving as much as he let on. Anyway. There was a lot of neck kissing so that Blondie could perform an untimely soliloquy, and you could just tell she was about to do something kinky, which is why I said what I did, and then she stabbed him, so I guess I was right. King dies. Kingdom flushed down metaphorical toilet of selfishness. OH. Debut of Creepy Brother, as well as Man in Mirror, who confirms to Angry Blonde Queen that she is, in fact, way sexier than the survivors of her rampage.
"You forgot something."
Snow White, like every other princess ever conceived, is imprisoned in the north tower until her 18th birthday. Somehow, she has learned to make fire, and she sets up a small altar, where she lights a bonfire but not the candles around it, clutching dolls while she prays all but the end of the Lord's Prayer. I don't know if that was a religious statement or just lack of research. Either way, her lonely routine is interrupted by the imprisonment of a neighbor, a girl named Greta. Greta asks fearfully what awaits her; Snow White just stares at her.
"Ew."
I don't remember the purpose of this first scene, except that Psycho Lady eats a bird heart. (Hence "ew.") Flash to her throne room, where stabbing of the tyrant is attempted and failed, revealing Queenie's imperviousness, and stopping of the heart of the attempted stabber is performed, revealing Queenie's tendency to overreact. After a vague, possibly incestuous rendezvous between her and Brother King, Greta's purpose is revealed: the queen literally sucks the hotness and youth out of her, turning herself back into the Crazy Seductress we all know and love, and turning Greta into a vivacious yet unbecoming old lady. The Man in the Mirror decides now would be a good time to announce that Snow White is actually better looking than she is. Oops! Also, because she is so innocent and sweet and kind, she has magic blood, and the queen has to cut her heart out in order to have immortality and eternal hotness. Of course.
"Ew."
I said it again because Creepy Brother decides, like his sister, that seduction would be a good way to get his victim to comply, except he's the kind of person that would make you tell your children to come inside after seeing him at the park. In accordance with her innocent, holy reputation, Snow White chooses to deny his make out attempt and shanks him in the face with a nail, still showing no sign of emotion. Old Edition of Greta encourages her to "go on without her." Heart-wrenching. Some magpies (they're key) flutter around and show her a hidden passage out of the castle, a.k.a., the sewer, and she becomes the first fugitive to escape successfully. Lucky her. The magpies flutter around some more and direct her to a lone, conveniently-located white horse that carries her away from the approaching soldiers and into a forest.
"Ooh...oh my gosh."
I didn't expect this movie to have such intense special effects. Snow White finds herself in the creepiest forest ever imagined by human minds, complete with oysters oozing tar, living fungus, toxic gas, beetles, worms, dead magpies (there they are again), trees with arms, dementors, and a creepy giant winged bat thingy that is weirdly attached to a trunk... I don't know. No one follows her in, and she stumbles about between alternating angle shots of her face and enhanced heavy breathing sounds. Eventually, she hyperventilates and passes out on the ground.
"There he is!!!!!"
Because Snow White is in the aptly named "Dark Forest," no one wants to go in and get her, because they're all secretly babies, and someone who has already braved the dangers within has to be hired as an assassin. Apparently creepy healing powers aren't enough to stop demonic bats. But it's okay, because that means we are introduced to the huntsman (YAY), a.k.a., The Huntsman, because they actually did not give him any other name in this movie. Huntsman is an untrustworthy drunkard who is conned into procuring the princess by a promise of resurrecting his dead wife, because every good hero has to have an angsty, sensitive side. Cue journey.
"That's hot."
Mission: accomplished. Creepy Brother: spills beans about lying concerning resurrection abilities of Freaky Seductive Queen, also escapes Dark Forest when Huntsman OBVIOUSLY switches sides and peaces out with the girl. Awkward conversation between Dead Fish Princess and her new friend occurs, where Huntsman tells her the forest feeds off her weakness or something, and then tries to teach her how to sword fight, and then cuts off her skirt to reveal her more war-appropriate pants. Snow White's innocence level falls ten points, and her increased level of pensive stares heightens the sexual tension. Ooo.
"Best role in the whole movie."
There's some random village scene where they end up somewhere after Snow White stares down a troll (she does a lot of staring in this movie), and they meet some lady who feeds them and informs Huntsman of his sidekick's identity as a magic princess (surprise!), as well as helps provide them with shelter from their enemies, but most importantly, provides the sole opportunity for Chris Hemsworth-ab-viewing by applying a poultice to his injured left pectoralis major. Oh, and the village catches on fire because the crazy soldiers found them. But they escape again.
"There they are!"
The nifty escape leads the unofficial couple to...dwarves! Because they had to come in eventually! All of them have bad haircuts and strongly opinionated personalities.
"...this is so cool."
Again with the special effects. The crew sets up camp in magical forest, surrounded by slowly unfurling ferns, blueberry fungus, mushrooms with eyes, butterflies, hanging jellyfish flowers, magpies (hello!) that give birth to small fairy people (what!), floating sparkles, butterflies, turtles covered in moss, unidentified rodents, tiny birds riding said rodents, beetles (nice ones), butterflies, all stereotypical mammals used in classic Disney movies, and white deer with giant branching horns who eventually dissolves into...butterflies. Amidst the overwhelming nature of the...um, nature, Snow White performs a supes awk dance number with a flirty ginger dwarf, continuing to stare at Huntsman, and the dwarf with the worst hair stops speaking English. Later on, there's a vague hint at Snow White's impending usefulness, and an unexpected fight scene (they found them!) where Creepy Brother finally dies, impaled on a jagged stump with a shard of tree jutting out of his body from a place that could not have been an accident on the part of the director.
"THIS IS NOT HOT."
I don't actually know what part of the movie this was, but there's a shot of Queen Freaky's naked back where you can see her skeletal system very prominently while she has a flashback, and I was quite near to announcing to my fellow audience members that her body shape was unhealthy and not a physical trait to be sought after, and that the movie had failed to mention the queen's eating disorder.
Good grief this is getting long. I don't remember a lot of the things I said, so here's a summary of a good chunk of the movie:
There's a nice long trek across all kinds of irrelevant landscapes that kind of appeared out of nowhere, the long lost William sneaks his way into their party and Huntsman is obviously jealous, and more pensive looks from Snow White. The love triangle is pretty common knowledge. Somehow, Snow White and William end up wandering around the snowy forest together (it snowed in one of the landscapes they crossed), and he gives her an apple.
Of course everyone knows the apple is bad, but no one knows how. Everyone's more confused by the fact that they just kissed, because Huntsman is WAY hotter than Childhood Sweetheart, even with the mud that's been smeared on his face since the dark forest. Plus there's all that unanswered sexual tension! And staring! Meanwhile, the bitten apple starts growing fur, and Snow White starts crawling around on the ground and gagging, and for a second I thought she'd turn into a monkey, but she just dies. Apple-giving William turns into the Blonde Tyrant and vanishes in a flock of ravens, and real William kisses Snow White's dying self, but nothing happens. Body is transported to nearby castle. While paying his respects, Huntsman starts downing more booze and plants one on the corpse, because everyone in this movie has to have a pervy side. I guess the alcohol answers the question as to why the hero kisses a dead girl in the story, but someone failed to explain how kissing would end up breaking this movie's rendition of the spell. But of course she wakes up, and gives a rousing speech, with plenty of volume to make up for the lack of facial involvement, and the now formidable army rides off to fight the Hated Blonde, Snow White sans helmet, because it's not like she's going to die AGAIN.
"Wait...what!?"
You know what happens. They win. The Scary-But-Now-Potentially-Misunderstood Queen dies at the hands of the Innocent Princess turned Feminist Role Model. She becomes queen and stares at her people. The dwarves toast her. She stares at William, she stares at Huntsman.
The end.
No seriously. As in there was no resolution.
That's it.
Go home.
Have a nice day.
GET OUT OF THE THEATER.
fin.
No comments:
Post a Comment