Some bitterness leaks forth.

GREETINGS.

Today is not bad. I have had, overall, a fairly pleasant week, in case you were concerned about my well-being. Some people feel that way after reading things I present on the internet. A lot of good things have happened this week (I painted, I Skyped friends, I learned), and I would say, in one quick snapshot, the vibe of the week was definitely more to the positive side than the negative.
I do, however, have some pressure to release, so it's not going to sound like that.

FIRST OF ALL.
I just want everyone to know that I am very happy at my university of choice, and I would recommend it to anyone who was sincerely interested. (Although I am deeply in debt, so that is something to consider; the jury is still out on whether eternal poverty is going to be worth it.) I'm also sure everyone is aware that no matter where you go, you're going to end up getting screwed over in at least one sense. Not everything is going to work out for you. It's all part of growing up, apparently.

At my school, I study primarily under the Department of Biology & Chemistry (that is a pretty sick ampersand, I must admit), probably because my major is biology. Under that department, there are a great many hugely intelligent and extremely (borderline obsessively) driven people. They are great, mostly. They are also 90% pre-med. Which is fine. I was pre-med at one point. I just like to pretend I am better than everyone else (spoiler: my persistent vanity will be a theme of this post) because I changed my mind. I just think being a doctor would clash with my aura. Plus people's guts really only interest me in theory. Actual interaction with them would be a nightmare and a half. It's the difference between, "Hey, did you know your body could do that? What a cool thought! We are so interesting," versus, "Whoa, check out this lung I am slicing into! This dead person's liver feels so grainy! I will squash it about instead of honoring their passing! People are the sum of their parts! I am abnormally attracted to bloody wads of flesh!"

Sorry. That's not what it actually means. I have also heard some of the motivation of aspiring doctors stems from one day helping people recover from disease. Or being obscenely wealthy and overly esteemed.
That part at least is understandable.

So I did this cool thing where I changed my "emphasis" (still not sure what that means) to Ecology, which is the study of nature and its workings, essentially, and will lead to a life of professional hippie-dom, hopefully. Do you ever hear people say things like "those crazy environmentalists" when they need a scapegoat for an inconvenience, like a washing machine that uses minimal water and therefore provides untrustworthy cleaning abilities? If it all works out, someday they'll be referring to future Lydia.
Yay.

But genuinely, being one of the minimal percentage that is not interested in human or medical or molecular science, sometimes I feel a little alone in my pursuits. Especially on those days when you're feeling a little nervous about the future and everyone else in the research lab is like, "Sorry, I'm too busy wanting to be a doctor to validate you."  Granted, my outdoorsy interests helped me to do cool things like study in Michigan at an environmental institute this summer, which was super fun and exciting, which you never would have guessed because my posts were so dang angsty (dangsty), BUT what good are those experiences when no one else wants to be jealous of them?
I'M KIDDING. A little bit.

The reason I dig up all this deep-set frustration is because this summer my little environment-loving heart found itself entwined around a plant biology class and I allowed myself to become very excited about it and very interested in it WHICH APPARENTLY YOU SHOULD NEVER DO BECAUSE THE WORLD ONLY WANTS TO HURT YOU and then one day I got an email that said, "Not enough people were weird enough to want to be interested in vegetative life, so we cancelled the class. Happy trails!" and I just said, "Oh whatever, I get it! It's cool! Super casual, who needs plants, not like they produce oxygen or nutritional sustenance or anything!" but inside I fell to the ground dramatically and whimpered.
The only other class options were neurobiology (neuro = brain = people guts = no), vertebrate biology (vertebrates = sometimes people = cadaver dissections = DEAD PERSON = CHOPPING UP A DEAD PERSON = @#?&%$ NO) and virology (viruses = not people and/or guts = well alright). Because while I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a pasty lab worker who never sees the sun and never actually can physically see the individual organisms participating in my lab work without expensive machines assisting my vision, the biology of tiny things is interesting. So I took virology.
And I am learning plenty.
PLENTY.
For example.

Did you know that if you get herpes in your nose (do not ASK me how that happens; to that factoid I remain blissfully oblivious) it can go to your brain? And kill you?

Also, did you know bunnies can get a virus that causes them to grow long, tentacle-like tumors that spout forth from their body at random places, and according to my professor, "Usually the tumors are benign, so it's not that bad," to which I respond, "Nope not disturbed at all! Thanks for the knowledge!" but if you think about it, DO YOU THINK THOSE RABBITS WILL EVER FIND LOVE? DO YOU THINK THEY WILL EVER BE ACCEPTED BY THEIR FAMILIES? DO YOU THINK THEY ARE SATISFIED WITH HOW THEIR LIVES HAVE TURNED OUT?

And finally, did you know that when mad cow disease was entering its season as an epidemic, no one understood its transmission, and one bad cow would ruin the whole batch (so to speak) so the farmers just had to set all their cows on fire? And then they probably all committed suicide because they lost all of their well-being? Also the reason the cows got this disease is because they were being fed the bone marrow of diseased sheep, even though cows are and always have been supposed to eat grass? Also some insensitive soul thought it would useful to take pictures?

That last little niblet of knowledge is what I learned on Friday, and so I showed up to my last class of the day practically in tears; my roommate (Sarah) fanned me with her class outline and I said, "I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING ABOUT LEAVES TURNING SUNSHINE INTO FOOD," and, "THEY FED THE COWS SHEEP," and, "I JUST WANTED TO LEARN ABOUT FLOWERS," and she was very nice to me and nodded a lot sympathetically, but...I feel as if I was a little further over the edge than I needed to be.
That, in far too many far too dramatic words, was the darkest stain on my week.

As I said, it wasn't too bad overall (believable), but I also wanted to complain about one other thing (honest): this morning, I woke up to a text from the mother of the high schooler I tutor in biology that said they found a new tutor for her who could meet them at their house. Which is understandable and fine, however abrupt and unexpected, and considering that driving to a location nearer to me was difficult for the girl, I don't mind. So I sent them a very gracious text concerning the change of plans, that read, more or less, 

"You're great! Thanks for your time! Best of luck in all your pursuits! Happy you found something that works for you! I am cool and collected!"

but probably should have read,

"OMG totes no worries! Thanks for all the good times! Like when I could never drive to you because I don't have a car because it's at home being repaired from the accident I got into on my way to meet your offspring at Starbs for a session she cancelled half an hour before! Probs so inconvenient for you. I wish I had feelings and could understand."

Whatever.
Obviously people can do whatever they want. They, then, can do what they want with the new tutor (who was unwise to meet them at their house, I mean they happen to be safe people, but to promise that to someone you've never met? I have already almost been scammed by someone named Vlaar/Vlaad/still not sure, that was the first red flag, and...I mean, stranger danger), and I can do what I want and be bitter in a controlled environment without any direct impact or vindication.
I was going to write this post about something completely different, but I honestly have said so much that probably would be going overboard. Maybe next time.

MUCH UPLIFTING VERY LAUGHTER WOW

fin.