Keep Facebook classy.

I realize this is probably the most useless thing you’ll read today, maybe this week, maybe even your life. Probably the last one. Thankfully the standards of what is and is not useful have been so distorted by narcissistic society that none of you will notice.

…great start.

As many of you know, I am an avid user of the social networking phenomena known to the world as “Facebook” and to one of my professors as “the sole cause of the ruination of actual friendship in America.” He’s a little extreme. I think that Facebook can be super convenient and nifty, especially if you’re the kind of control freak that likes to know what everyone’s doing every second of every day and every time you can’t because the network is down your eye twitches a little harder.

Actually, maybe I get what he’s getting at.

I feel like, over the period of time it’s survived, Facebook has evolved in usage; maybe this is overly philosophical, but I think that as much as it is a way of keeping up to date on your friends’ lives and chatting with distant buddies, it is now a way of proclaiming ourselves into the world the way we want to be perceived. And through that evolution, along with its changes in news feeds and tickers and picture viewers, it has evolved a set of unspoken laws that govern the dos and don’ts of our lives far more than we would like to admit.

Sadly enough, some truly wonderful, beautiful, inspirational people have yet to understand just what is entailed in having and using it to communicate properly, despite academic achievement or social capability (okay, maybe social capability plays into it a little*). If you are one of them, welcome. Most likely you don't realize that you are. But if you find this helpful...tada. And this post should help you. Almost as much as it will help me.

But even more importantly, I feel the need to address another community of individuals. Unfortunately for many, there are some taking unfair advantage of this site we care so much about. They are easy to perceive by their inundation of statuses or pictures or the way they take their relationship status way too dang seriously. These people - lovingly known to many as “social media whores,” - are being singled out as a frustrating mob of losers who are just getting way too flipping into it.
There is also a group of people who care enough to point them out and label them for the way they are controlling their usage of a universally available, free, existentially useless resource, when their annoyances and rudeness could literally be removed by the push of a button. A virtual button.

Come to terms with it. You are one of them. Your mother is one of them. WE ARE ALL THEM. THEY. This post may be as much as an admittance that I am one of them as it is a plea for people to stop being socially awkward all up on my timeline. This is no longer a condition. It’s a part of humanity. We actually have changed that much. 

And whether you like it or not, this is what you have signed up for. And that is why there are rules. And you ALL need to follow them.

Or I will unfriend you.

RULE #1: (we’ll start off simple) POKING. IS. NOT. FLIRTING.

First, I have to clarify—because our culture is not only narcissistic, it is also perverted—that I am referring to the application on Facebook that allows  you to “poke” other individuals, and that's it. I believe it was intended as a way to remind people that you had posted on their wall, and why the heck haven’t they responded yet, it’s been five whole minutes. Now it’s just a way for people to hold uselessness over each others’ heads (“Hey, I poked you and you didn’t poke back! I’m winning!”), because never ending virtual battles are a great way to spend our youth.

It’s funny to me that I say this, because I have been poking about twelve people consistently for about three years. Actually, not really, because (confession!) I started this post last year, and now I never poke anyone, which may be due to a general decrease of interest in the pastime or my increase in age, but it's most likely that I probably just guilt-tripped myself into stopping. Either way, the deal with that situation is that most of those “poke wars” started three years ago. Obviously they're all friends of mine. Also, this rule was not in effect then. So if you happen to develop feelings for someone you’ve been poking then congratulations and I wish you all the best in your next steps on whether or not you decide to push the “poke back” button. But if you just started liking her, don’t just start poking her! Do you even know what it means to be mysterious and coy? Right! It means “one who does not poke”!

Also, if you have been poking her, and she stops poking you, THAT DOESN’T MEAN POKE HER AGAIN. It doesn’t mean she forgot, it doesn’t mean she’s confused, it means she’s creeped the frick out, and you need to approach her in a more substantially normal manner. Girls, this applies to you, too. He doesn’t like you. Cut it out.

Here’s a tip: Play hard-to-get poke war. It consists of never poking anyone ever.

RULE #2: STALKING GENERALLY IMPLIES SUBTLETY.

Clarification (again with the vagueness...where will it end): Facebook has also changed the definition of stalking. Not really. But in the usual context, it has little to do with illegality. Maybe it should, but we won't deal with that right now.
I have nothing against Facebook stalking. Nothing. You know why? Because people put all that crap up for you to look at. It's a power trip. It's a way for people to be self-obsessed and praised for it in conjunction. So don't let anyone psych you out, because they're being hypocritical. Going through old profile pictures is the best use of Facebook. That's my life philosophy.
So the problem does not lie within the fact that you go on his profile on the hour, every hour. It lies in the fact that you like everything he posts. That's a little much. Unless you want him to know, then by all means, go way back. Like his high school track finals announcement. Comment on his homecoming pictures. "Oh you were so cute LOL" is great if he can stand people who still use "LOL." But if you're trying to be subtle (and I'm all about being subtle, and mysterious, and ignored, and hated), then play it cool.

RULE #3: STOP FRIEND-REQUESTING PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET SOMEDAY.

This does not apply to a mutual friend that you have an intention of meeting. This applies specifically to those people who join groups for their new school or new club or new something, which is composed of HUNDREDS of people, and friend ALL of the members. It's flipping ridiculous. How the heck are you going to meet all these people? You aren't. You're going to have a news feed with a blockade of complete strangers' pictures and a guilty twist of confused acquaintanceship that keeps you from deleting them now, but you're still going to delete over half of them the second you graduate. You already hate some of them now, but it's too late, because you've been mystery internet friends for long enough that if you dropped them now, they'd know something was up. Talk. About. Awkward.

RULE #4: YOU DO NOT COMMENT ON A WALL POST FROM SOMEONE THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW.

I used the extra large font (before) and the bolded font (after) because this should be common sense. If you are stalking someone you know/haven't seen in a while, and you see a post on their wall from a complete stranger talking about something completely unrelated to your life, or, heck, even if it is related, what do you do? Read it. Memorize every comment. Click and see all the people who liked it. But remember, if it is not about you, it is not your business, and you are not invited to this party. I don't care if it is a mutual discussion about how they like math, and you have a Ph.D. in mathematical...stuff.......YOU DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT MATH.

Drop it...

Good boy.

Here's a better way of putting it: what would you do if you were just talking to someone on the street, having a nice conversation, and someone who knew your friend waltzed over (literally waltzed, because the mental image is better) and started talking to both of you about the exact thing you were just talking about. See? Weird.
The ONLY instance in which this would be acceptable would be this:

"Hey, Brad, Lydia's super attractive and funny and has a great personality! What's her blog's URL?"
"Hey, Ryan! You got that right! How are your millions of dollars from modeling treating you? I don't actually know her blog's URL, but you shouldn't have much time to read it anyway, since it sucks you in with its greatness, and you need all the time you can get to finish your novel."
"Yeah, that's true. Oh well. I don't have my millions of dollars; I donated them all to a respectable nonprofit organization."
"You go, Ryan!"

This would constitute an appropriate time for me to comment and say, "Ryan! My blog is mumblingsthataremeaningless.blogspot.com! :D" and then go along my merry way.

RULE #5: THREE STATUSES A DAY IS PUSHING IT.
People...I know Facebook is a place to make your life sound as great as it possibly can because it's the only way that people will respect and appreciate and love you more than they do in real life, but that's no reason to act desperate.
Relax.
People really only care about your Instagram, anyway.

RULE #6: UTILIZE YOUR RESOURCES.
Here is how:
1. You know that crazy person who always posts ridiculous whiny statuses but you feel bad deleting? Go to their Facebook. See where it says friends? Click on it. See where it has a little check mark next to "Show in News Feed"? Click it.
2. You know that creepy person who always comments on your pictures but you feel bad unfriending? Go to your Facebook. Click the status box. Click the gear. Click custom. Where it says, "Don't share this with," type their name. End problem. End creepy.
3. Repeat step 2 for professors whose classes you complain about profusely.
See? Your problems are over! You're so welcome. No, YOU are!

RULE #7: THE EMOTICONS ARE STUPID AND I HATE THEM.
Use them if you want. That just needed to be said.

RULES #8-15: SOME "TECHY" PHRASES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE AND THE REASONS WHY...
"Lol" - it's just not a thing anymore. Also, it's most likely a lie. You usually do not comment "lol" when you have actually lol'ed. Usually, I comment, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M DYING AND I JUST PEED, IN CLASS! BWAAAAAHHHHH marry me" (this is a gross exaggeration) to get my point across when I lol. And man does it get my point across.
"LOL" - you may think this is the same, but it's not. It's completely different. First of all, it's that yucky phrase, and second of all, CAPS? Get it together.
":-D" - you may only use a smiley face with a nose if you are a parent, or over the age of thirty-five. The only exception to this is ">8-E" which you may use if you are incredibly upset or a serial killer.
"Ptl" - Really? That's how you praise the Lord? With three letters? Come on.

"Omg" - eh. Okay. You can use it if you're in middle school. When I was fourteen, I always typed out "OMGoodness" because...I WAS COOL.
"Idk" - the reason you should stop using this is that it doesn't actually stand for what you think it does, and instead of saying "I don't know," like you want to, you actually just end up saying, "I am lazy," which doesn't make any sense when it comes to English, but it's the truth.
"Techy" - I just think it sounds dumb and therefore no one should say it.

Well...that's a wrap, folks. I have nothing to say, for once. I'm also ridiculously exhausted, and already tired of summer school, even though it's only been...one day. Whatever.

FIN.

*A LOT.