Ish my baby brother writes.

A yearish ago, I posted a long list of some of the ridiculous things my baby brother said over the course of the summer. I could do that with really anyone, but the reason I decided to immortalize what he said is because even when he makes absolutely zero sense, you can still see how brilliant and special he is. As great as that seems, this is actually a tragedy, because he is in middle school, where talent and ability and a person's value and human decency and even basic mammalian instincts are all flushed down the toilet during snack time, and if the class is still alive by the end of lunch, the teachers are doing a solid job.

A few days ago, Baby Brother went to a nearby elementary school, where he hung out with a first grader (named Isaiah, for reference) for a short while and was assigned the task of writing a story about the small child, which is a pretty sick idea, honestly. For some reason, he had to get up super early this morning to do it, which, for most of us, tends to be a significant impediment to our writing ability, but for him, was apparently not even an issue, even on his day off. I found it lying on the stool this morning and it might be the best thing I've read all summer, and I just finished The Great Gatsby, so...yeah.

So I gave him some generic compliment: "That story was so good! I loved it!"
And he said, "Yeah, it's pretty amazing."

J

For the good of all mankind and for the sake of quality entertainment, he let me blog it, even though he hasn't turned it in yet.
This is, in essence, the equivalent of getting an unpublished manuscript of Harry Potter for Christmas.
What's more, this is all him, not my mom doing it for him, not me rephrasing his sentences, just his beautiful, unadulterated rough draft (after I fixed one itty bitty baby spelling error), straight from his unappreciated yet undoubtedly gifted eighth grade soul.

I should probably stop writing before I start leaking overprotective sisterly bitterness. I've already had to delete three paragraphs.
Thanks for reading, and happy Memorial Day.

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            In the year 2482, on the planet Earth, there was a boy named Isaiah. This boy had magnificent talents. He had the strength of ten men, he was also extremely smart, and he was very handsome. He was a full package. But recently aliens had come to earth and started taking over the world. Isaiah did not like aliens. He wanted to shoot and punch them in their faces, but these weren’t normal aliens.

These aliens had a disgusting power we call hard-wiring. Hard wiring is when an alien turns a human into an alien. Isaiah had to do something! When Isaiah was younger, his parents were taken from him by Lord Hiss, undisputed ruler of the aliens. Isaiah despised Lord Hiss. He wanted to shoot and punch him in the face.

Isaiah’s best friend was named Jack. Jack was very cool. Isaiah and Jack had been friends for a long time. Isaiah had been trying very hard to find out about Lord Hiss’s location, which is where we pick up our two courageous figures and our repetitive narrator.

Jack finally says something, “How long have we been on this road, Isaiah?”

“A long, stinking time!” said Isaiah.

“Good to know.”

Suddenly Isaiah and Jack came upon a weary traveler. Isaiah asked him his name, “What is your name, most elderly one?”

“Tooth,” he said.

Isaiah and Jack looked at each other. “Tooth?!”

“Yes, Tooth,” the man replied.

“Why are you sitting on the side of the road?” Isaiah inquired of the old man.

“I was waiting for Lord Hiss to come down on his daily route to get coffee, and when he was sucking on a hot cup of java, WHAM! We’ve nabbed our dictator. But, he bought a coffee machine, so now I’m just a lonely man on the street.”

Jack finally asked, “Where does Lord Hiss live?”

The old man answered, “Right up the hill—in that big, scary tower.”

“Thank you,” both of them say, and they went on their merry way, singing, “Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.”

After days of painstaking walking in dirt and gravel, they were finally halfway there. After more days, they were there.

To be continued….

Immediately.

Three days Isaiah and Jack were looking for a way into the heavily guarded tower. Jack finally lost hope, and he fell. As he was falling, he hit the doorbell on the front door, and passage was granted to them.

“That was easy.”

Then, instantaneously, Jack was captured by the evil alien goons!

Jack raised his fist to fight off the aliens, but there were too many. Isaiah’s friend is being hard wired! Noooooooooo!

Isaiah had to avenge Jack. Lord Hiss was about to open up a can of pain. With anger covering all his thoughts and tears covering both his eyes, Isaiah ran down the hall, toppling over aliens—up the hall, left and right, down the stairs. Isaiah ran as fast as he could, and finally came to Lord Hiss’s lair.

A dark, rattley voice said, “You shouldn’t have come here.”

Isaiah drew his neutrino blaster and dropped it on the ground.  Lord Hiss drew his various weapons and dropped them on the ground. What would happen?! What terrible accident would come of this?

Isaiah was red with fury, as if fate brought him to this very moment. Isaiah could hear the bells “ding ding.”  Isaiah and Lord Hiss approached each other.

Isaiah was the first one to land a punch, and then a kick. But Lord Hiss came back with a disgusting green tentacle and slapped him across the face.

Isaiah was infuriated, and Lord Hiss never saw that tentacle again, because Isaiah tied it behind his back.

Oooh, that made Lord Hiss mad! He wound up and punched Isaiah up the chin. Nooo! Now Isaiah and Lord Hiss were just trading punches, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left!

But finally, Isaiah dodged one of the lefts, and with a thundering uppercut, he made contact and put to rest the evil fiend. From his disgusting orange pocket, Isaiah pulled out the key to release all the prisoners.

His parents were overjoyed. They came running out to hug their hero, their son. They always knew Isaiah was special.

In the other cell was Madison. Madison dashed out of her captivity and hugged Isaiah. (This may or may not be the Madison in your classroom.)

Suddenly, all the aliens turned to humans! Isaiah realized that since he defeated Lord Hiss, all the hard-wired aliens returned to their original state. Isaiah was ecstatic to see Jack running down the hall, up the stairs, and into the bro hug of Isaiah.

Jack and Isaiah got serious. Isaiah may have freed everybody, saved his best friend’s life, his parents, and his gal-pal, but there still was a war criminal on the ground, retching, because his plan had failed.

Isaiah and Jack picked him up and shook him around a little bit, while Madison called the police. They loaded him into the paddy-wagon. As he was being escorted away in the vehicle, Lord Hiss let out a billowing, “You shall pay for this, Isaiah!”

“Check, please!” said Isaiah.

Everybody laughed, and that is where we end our story.

Tune in next time for my final draft.

fin.