I’ve had way too many
conversations with single people, which means I've been thinking way too much about dating. This is an effort to sort the
things that have been swirling around in the goosh that I call my brain, and to
help you to maybe
GET A GRIP
and do something
productive with your life other than whine over your irretrievable losses.
Sorry.
I’m grumpy.
Also, I think the title
says it all. Also, I’m grumpy. And I'm going to say flipping a lot. Henceforth,
there will be no witty introduction.
Okay maybe a little one.
Before I get into the trouble I will just for writing the things I did, I’m
going to lay down a disclaimer so that I don’t get in more than I deserve. THIS
IS NOT A JAB AT ANYONE SPECIFIC. This is completely a sweeping punch at all
general existence. But this is not some cryptically worded maniacal plan that
was intended to point out someone's flaws in any way. The reason for this is
twofold: 1, because, despite what you may think if you have ever been exposed
to my inordinately squeaky voice, I am not fourteen, and 2, my blog is for me
ranting about the…everything…in general, not people in specific, because that’s
rude, and I have more to do with my life than make people live in fear of me
tearing them apart with my vicious rhetoric.*
Also, I’m going to say
something metaphorical and weird. There’s a concept that some people have of
writing, kind of based off of Greek mythology, that we all have a muse that
inspires us to write the things we do. Well guess what. I don’t know if I have
a muse, but if I do have a muse, and if you are my muse, you are now my ex
muse, because you are fired. Mostly because I have eight o’clock classes and
I’m sick of being inspired until two in the morning.
Thank you.
SOME MYTHZ CONCERNING BOYZ AND GURLZ...
THERE IS SUCH THING AS A FRIENDZONE.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
This might be a harsh way
to start things off, but seeing as it is one a.m., you can take it
for what it is and ascribe anything you don’t like to my lack of comprehension
at unholy hours of the morning.
Guys. I don’t know how
many times I have heard you say things like, “You can’t find a good guy because
they’re all in the Friend Zone,” or, “I’m perfect for you, but you won’t
realize that because I’m in the Friend Zone,” or, “Let us have a moment of
silence for our brother in the Friend Zone.” These statements seem to make a
lot of sense to you, which is interesting, because they make no sense to me. As
if there was this magical state of emotion which prevented a girl from being
interested in you, based on questionable factors in your relationship? Oh…you
know what…wait. You’re right. That actually is something legit. Except it’s
called, SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
I’m sorry if this hurts,
but girls don’t reject you or even refrain interest in you because they want to "just stay friends." They
do those things because they don’t want to date you. And whether or not it was a
coping mechanism or just the effects of rampant female lying, somehow guys have
developed the concept that girls can’t date their friends? Are you kidding me? Every married adult I know would
say their spouse is/was their best friend, and the same goes for a lot of the
couples I know and think have a chance at making the big time. Honestly, if you
are legitimately a friend of a girl, she has considered dating you at one point.
…move past it…
Okay? Okay. The idea
behind this comes from the actual definition of a woman, as can be combed from
the depths of my universally applicable experiences.
Woman: (noun) psychopath
I’m not going to speak for
the totality of womankind, because I hope to goodness gracious I am wrong, but
women are literally so obsessed with dating and finding someone special that
they really do go through all their options, probably several times, before
they’re sure about whether or not to cross someone completely off the list.
(Yes. We have lists. They’re flipping efficient.) When girls say they haven’t
considered someone, they don’t mean they never considered dating them, but that
they never considered following through with it. And if you’re in the “Friend
Zone,” whatever the crap that is, I’m guessing you probably have been
considered twice as much as anyone else on the list. However, that also means
she knows you better, and she’s more aware of the facets of your personality
that wouldn’t click or, to continue the trend of unnecessary harshness, turn
her off. And the reason she’s rejecting you isn’t solely because she wants to be friends with you, because she does want to
be friends with you, but she wants to be friends with you and not date
you. You can date and still be friends. But you can also date and break up and
hate each other. She respects you enough to avoid that possibility. So why don’t you respect her?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HARMLESS
FLIRTING.
You will never meet a normal
woman. If she is normal, she is actually an introvert waiting to pounce on you
like a quirky mountain lion who likes singing loud country music karaoke.
That’s...not the point.
Think about girls. Now
think about girls and Pinterest. You show them a set of cute, matching dresses,
they fill them with their best friends and plan their wedding around them. You
show them a sparkly necklace, they match it with a dress and plan their wedding
around it. You show them a cactus,
they put it in a cute little pot and hand it out as favors at the wedding they
planned around it.
You see this!? YOU SEE
WHAT WE ARE? Now. How on EARTH would you think that goofing around and flirting
with someone without the intention of at least some form of further consideration
could ever be even a little beneficial? Really? What are you going to do?
You’re going to confuse her like nothing on this planet, and from there she has to
reconsider you—which is a lot of effort and theoretical wedding planning—as
well as piece through the options, which are these:
1. That’s just the way you
act, in which case, you will never be considered, ever. Just like the boy who
cried wolf never got help from anyone when the wolf came, if you actually start
liking her, she’ll never believe you, and she’ll blow you off like she’s
learned to always do in order to cope with the emotions you screwed with.
2. You just did it for
kicks and giggles, which is just rude, and now you really will never have a
chance.
Girls are like elephants;
we never forget anything. Also, if you cross us, we’ll bust up your car.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “DOING
BETTER.”
Alternate title that was way too long: THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS BASED EVEN A LITTLE ON SOCIAL
PERCEPTION.
Hopefully this is
something that passed in high school and most of us have gotten over this, but
I’ll say it anyway, because people have a tendency to disappoint me. Also, I'm grumpy. Girls. This is for you. If a guy has ever asked you out,
and the reason you said no was because your friends think he’s weird or because
you were afraid what everyone would think of you, guess what? You’re a terrible
person. Ohh, I know you haven't ever done that...and that you're lying...no...stop...shut up. I’ve done it too, so don’t start yelling. But really! I know you’ve heard that ALL guys are stupid and cruel and not worth investing in until they’re
older, or maybe that they’re awkward or confusing. My mom said things like that
to me all the time. Granted, she said
basically the same thing about mayonnaise, but we won’t go there. Here’s what I propose:
Will you marry me?
GET IT!?
Good gravy it’s late.
Aelktjlsgkmslk. This is my
idea: if a guy asks you out that you aren’t completely sure about, the first
thing you should NOT do is talk to your best friend about it. Or any of your
friends. Talk to them later, of course, but when this first happens, don’t go
spreading it around like the crap they give the Bachelor** on People Magazine.
Sit and think about it by yourself. Maybe talk to your mom. But go through the
reasons you don’t want to go out with him.
...kind of weird...
...awkward...
...kind of mean to me once...
...kind of smells like cheese...
Now look at that list.
I bet you this: half of
those are complete bullcrap, and you won’t go out with him because everyone
thinks he’s weird. Sure, he’s a nice guy, but he dresses weird. Of course, you
have great talks, but your best friend doesn’t think he’s worth it. Hey, he’s
actually got a job and a car and a good relationship with his mom, but the
girls you hang out with think you
can do better.
Now let’s be realistic.
If all guys have the
characteristics of mayonnaise, how is one better than the other? He may treat
you better, he may be more compatible with you, heck he may be better looking
than the entire flipping school, but say he is better than the dorky kid who
you turned down for winter formal, and you, my dear, are lying to yourself, and
that dorky kid deserved more of a chance than you or your friends ever gave
him. You will never do better than him. You may do different and end up
happier, but your interest and attraction to him will never take his worth away.
Well that got way too
flipping deep. Next topic.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NOT
WEARING DEODORANT.
This doesn’t have much to
do with dating, except that dating will not happen without deodorant, so it’s
actually the foundation of all relationships. Some people just don’t want to
wear deodorant, and to them I say, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”***
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WORTH
DETERMINED BY BEING ASKED OUT.
Of all of the extensive topics I'm covering, this one is the one that makes me the angriest. Probably because I believed it so long, and so many people I know believed it or still do. Plus, seeing as my dating experience could be called anything but extensive, this is probably the only one I'm actually qualified to write...woops.
Girls.
Guys.
Dogs with a lot of feelings.
You. CAN. NOT. Tell yourself this.
EVER.
EVER.
Look at yourself.
Now back to me.
Now back to your man.
NOW BACK TO sorry.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to date someone. It's 100% normal. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone. It's totally not normal, but humanity and self-control still operate on the level of respectable acquaintances. It's still a good thing.
Your character and your beauty and your talent and your intellect and your heart and your purpose are all fundamental to your being. All unique to yourself. And you know what I noticed and you should have noticed about all of those things?
NONE OF THEM INVOLVE ANOTHER PERSON.
You don't need anyone to affirm your character. Are you a person? You have character. Respect it.
You don't need anyone to affirm your beauty. Are you a physical being? You have beauty. Own it.
You don't need anyone to appreciate your talent or your intellect. You think. You do. You are a time bomb of excellence.
Do you have a heart? The answer is yes. And that heart is shaped so as to fit into the hearts of others, and to hold those other hearts in your own. The capacity to love is the most unique and unfathomable characteristic of humanity. Who cares if someone hasn't decided to date your heart? You flipping have one. You have been bestowed with the greatest gift ever given to mankind, and it will never be something that deserves to be taken for granted.
I KNOW THIS IS SAPPY AND DEEP BUT I PROMISE IT'S FULL OF TRUTHFUL...STUFF...!
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS
RULES/FAIRNESS. (i.e., girl code)
Hopefully this scares you. If it doesn't...I mean, I just gave you a whole lotta mush about how you have a beautiful heart...but you might not have a soul.
This is one heck of a juxtaposition.
I realize that most of you
have probably not thought about this, or you have but never put it to words.
What I mean by this is that, despite how you expect things to pan out, the
reality is that “all is fair in love and war.” And I’m not saying that because
I want it to be true. I’m saying that because in love, just as in life and death
situations, people don’t think rationally. I’m saying this because no matter
how great you think you are, or you think someone else is, for that matter, you
or they will turn into a giant flying backstabbing
ninja star over a boy if you like him enough. Always. And sadly, there’s really
nothing you can do about it.
Now, I also know that some
of you haven’t realized this either:
There is such a thing as
class.
And tact.
And being a slut.
So don’t go crying to me
when people get mad at you, or say things like, “There are no rules! Why is
everyone angry!?” They’re not angry because you “didn’t follow the rules.”
They’re angry because you’re a obnoxious human being.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS, “IT’S
ONLY OFFICIAL IF IT’S FACEBOOK OFFICIAL.”
I don’t need to hash this
out because it should be completely obvious that it's freaking stupid.
The only reason I
recommend putting it on Facebook is so people who think your boyfriend is cute can
be cut off at the pass of internet-stalking (like I have been so many
times before...what?), and because who doesn’t like opening up their profile and
finding 100,000 notifications?
Once I stalked my friend
Jenessa’s photo album of her trip to Alaska, and via likes and comments gave
her 143 notifications in one hour. Hello.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “THERE IS
NO SUCH THING AS.”
Seriously, is that
sentence even grammatically accurate? I’ve typed it so many times that the
phraseology is oozing out my ears and it looks wrong.
Also it’s kind of
orange…gross.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT
RELATIONSHIP.
Dating is hard.
Relationships are hard. Sacrifice is hard. If you think it's going be all
holding hands and skipping through flowery meadows and making out in line at Disneyland, you are so far from being right. So cut yourself a little slack.
Cut other people slack. Let's all get slack. Slack...line. Hipsters.
Date...hipsters.
Your goal is not a perfect
relationship. You have nothing to "achieve" or "prove" or
"show off." Your goal is to love someone. And love is flipping
intense.
But when it's actually
love, it will have been worth all this crap all along.
So CALM DOWN.
don't worry...be
happy...wooo de doo dum dum de dooo...
fin.
*Win a Date with Tad
Hamilton.
**YOU GUYS IT'S SEAN AND I'M GONNA DIEEEE okay.
***Plato? Or not.
**YOU GUYS IT'S SEAN AND I'M GONNA DIEEEE okay.
***Plato? Or not.
...I don't think I was wearing deodorant when my husband asked me out...
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