Well you guys...the big day came. And now it's over, and I'm sitting in my dorm room typing away on my blog because I have yet to construct a successful social life. (Yes, I think I just might be "that kid.")
Other than that though, stuff is fine. Lots of people keep asking me what I'm doing at orientation, and whether or not college is everything I hoped and dreamed, and if I'm worried about my classes, and what I plan on eating for lunch in the caf tomorrow, and quite honestly, I would begin to refrain from that kind of intense questioning, because I'm on the verge of becoming violent. Just kidding!
But seriously.
As annoying as those questions are, however, I've found that those are in some cases not bad conversation topics at all, because it means that everything is going normally. Those are normal questions. And you get asked them by everyone around you, because they expect you to be a normal individual. Unfortunately, there are a few questions that, as I've noticed, have a little more consequence than the aforementioned. And since I've been here for a week and have had such vast intellectual experiences, I thought I would list some interrogatory comments that you MAYBE want to avoid being asked (or asking, for that matter) within your first few days of undergraduate schooling. Seven, one for each day of the week.
Disclaimer: Not all of these questions have been directed at me. One was directed at someone I was standing next to.
1. "Does something smell like it's burning?"
You really do not want to be in this situation. If something smells like it's burning, you could very well be either completely devoid of any nasal capability whatsoever, or near to burning down your building, both of which aren't exactly good things. When asked this, I would check your extension cords (which are illegal in my dorm, so I don't have any, even though I do have a waffle maker and duct tape) or your power strips, or maybe the back of your minifridge that your roommate's father suggested that you put up on a stand so it doesn't overheat. (Note: put minifridges on stands so they do not overheat.) That way you can avoid having to awkwardly reposition your roommate's dresser to the center of the room and place the defective appliance on top of it. This disaster of residential design is now lovingly referred to as our "food shrine."
2. "So are you the triplet?"
First of all... I will point out that the twins in this situation are fraternal in the first place, so it's not actually a COMPLETELY stupid question, except that I look nothing like either of them and am about two feet shorter. I also will point out that I wasn't exactly asked this question in the above wording; it was actually just assumed, which makes it even worse. It also made me very sad that I am not a triplet because being a triplet makes you way cooler than you actually are, and that way I might be doing something more interesting than this. So you can blame my parents.
3. "...are you from Washington?"
That in and of itself is a very awkward question. I have nothing against those who reside in the Pacific Northwest; however, putting that one out there means that you either are in possession of a completely absurd stereotype or are psychic, but you're probably just a stalker. The situation actually worked out to the two having a mutual friend that had tried to introduce them but it hadn't worked but the one asking the question had recognized him from a picture and he fell to his knees in shock and everyone thought they were getting married. Which brings me to the next question...
4. "Will you be my girlfriend?"
Funny story: I have NOTHING against dating. If you are in orientation and are reading this hatefully because you have just found true love forever and ever till death do you part and I hope it comes quickly, fantastic. I am SO beyond happy for you. But what is NOT a good idea is asking this question in a hypothetical situation where someone is standing right there and only hears THAT part of the conversation. ("Movin' pretty fast, aren't you, buddy?")
5. "Is your name ______?"
First of all, that means you aren't sure, and that makes you inconsiderate. Secondly, it means you weren't really paying attention when they told you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Third, if you are wrong, it means you have met other people who are more important to you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Fourthly, if you get it right, and then they get it wrong, it makes them feel inconsiderate. Last, if you just get it right in the first place, you might just be creepin', and that makes you VERY inconsiderate. Either way, now you have no friends.
6. "How do you transpose bass clef up an octave?"
This is actually only a bad question if you are a woman who is trying to sing a song in bass clef without studying it or having a wide knowledge of transposition, and you might have to sing very very low and abandon some of your femininity at the same time.
I'm sorry if you nonmusical individuals were confused by this question. Now you know what it's like to be an outsider, too.
Fun fact! Man choir's Tenor 1's sing in the same range as woman choir's Alto 2's! Probably higher! Yay!
7. "What's wrong?"
"I won't see my parents until Christmas."
"My books cost me all my allowance since fifth grade."
"My laptop was stolen."
"Someone just stepped on my foot."
"My roommate is a delusional psychopath that is stealing my life."
Just...don't ask that question.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Haikollege.
This is the epic tale of how I coped with the fact that I would be doing my own laundry in college, in the form of ancient Chinese poetry. I hope you don't vomit.
I'm disappointed.
Laundry is no longer free
Darn stupid college.
I am in charge now.
I must wash ALL my clothing.
Darn STUPID college.
My mother and I
Embarked on a long journey
To procure supplies.
I am italics.
My mother has quotations.
I hope you get it.
--
No! Please no laundry!
I cannot pay for laundry!
I am far too poor!
"Fabric softener,
Detergent, stain remover..."
I do not like this.
Can't I use Febreze?
At least I will not smell bad!
"That is disgusting."
Now I had to pay,
Although I had no money.
I began to search.
Hmm...a stray quarter...
Can I have this for college?
I could wash...a sock.
Another quarter...
I could always just take it...
Daddy won't miss it.
"Here is some change, dear.
We saved it all in a jar,
Over twenty years..."
Sometimes my mother
Forgets important things, like
MASSIVE JARS OF CASH.
This jar was so big
That we could not carry it.
AND WE STILL HAD MORE.
Many hours later,
We had found many coin jars,
And snatched their silver.
Then Mom thought of one
That Dad had in his sock drawer.
We captured that too.
Unfortunately,
The jar had grown quite heavy.
Yet we plodded on.
It was very hard
To bring the coin jar upstairs,
And I almost died.
I apologize
For how very sucky these
Verses are getting.
Mommy thought deeply.
"I want to know the value.
Dump out the coin jar."
Why do we need to?
"For curiosity's sake."
Well that's annoying.
So we counted them,
All of those stupid quarters.
I was quite angered.
"Please! Let's just count them...................
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS.
Man, we are LOADED."
Now I am happy.
I can do all my laundry!
Well. If I have time.
I'm disappointed.
Laundry is no longer free
Darn stupid college.
I am in charge now.
I must wash ALL my clothing.
Darn STUPID college.
My mother and I
Embarked on a long journey
To procure supplies.
I am italics.
My mother has quotations.
I hope you get it.
--
No! Please no laundry!
I cannot pay for laundry!
I am far too poor!
"Fabric softener,
Detergent, stain remover..."
I do not like this.
Can't I use Febreze?
At least I will not smell bad!
"That is disgusting."
Now I had to pay,
Although I had no money.
I began to search.
Hmm...a stray quarter...
Can I have this for college?
I could wash...a sock.
Another quarter...
I could always just take it...
Daddy won't miss it.
"Here is some change, dear.
We saved it all in a jar,
Over twenty years..."
Sometimes my mother
Forgets important things, like
MASSIVE JARS OF CASH.
This jar was so big
That we could not carry it.
AND WE STILL HAD MORE.
Many hours later,
We had found many coin jars,
And snatched their silver.
Then Mom thought of one
That Dad had in his sock drawer.
We captured that too.
Unfortunately,
The jar had grown quite heavy.
Yet we plodded on.
It was very hard
To bring the coin jar upstairs,
And I almost died.
I apologize
For how very sucky these
Verses are getting.
Mommy thought deeply.
"I want to know the value.
Dump out the coin jar."
Why do we need to?
"For curiosity's sake."
Well that's annoying.
So we counted them,
All of those stupid quarters.
I was quite angered.
"Please! Let's just count them...................
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS.
Man, we are LOADED."
Now I am happy.
I can do all my laundry!
Well. If I have time.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Little quicky baby post.
This really actually isn't anything very long and exciting, but I found it humorous, so I thought I would share it with you, because I love you guys that much.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
Now translate it back.
The end. Have a nice day.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
"私はアメリカ合衆国の国旗に、そしてそれはすべてのために自由と正義と、不可分の、神の下、一国の略のための共和国に忠誠を誓う."
Now translate it back.
"I have the national flag of the United States, and it is with liberty and justice for all, indivisible, under God, loyalty to the republic for almost a country."Try throwing that one at your teacher in fourth grade history.
The end. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
How to create a successful Facebook status.
Now. I know what some of you are thinking. Let me assure you, you did not leave the oven on, or your local fire department would have called by now.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The irony of it is, I wrote this during a church service
Since I was very young, I've been a part of a church. I've gotten a lot of different perspectives on the ways things work, and I've been at a lot of services. Overall, it's been a great journey, meeting different people and living different places and understanding different things. However, regardless of the churches I've visited, or the topics I've studied, I noticed something that is the same, regardless of the church or its standards.
The distractions.
EVERY TIME. Not to say that I'm easily distracted, but...
Actually that's exactly what I'm saying. Hmm.
I have compiled a list of the top ten most distracting things in church. For the record, these are mostly in my experience, and if you have ever had some major malfunction that completely threw everything off then...that's cool.
Some close runners up were suddenly feeling itchy, sirens going past on the street, earthquakes, hay fever, going into labor, and wondering if you left the oven on. I chose not to include them because I had better explanations for the other ones.
Semi-related side story #1: Once in my yearbook class, I confessed that the time when I came up for the designs for the majority of my pages was during sermons. The supervisor being a Bible teacher, I expected him to be surprised and/or disappointed.
He told me that's when he had written most of his football plays.
I thought that was funny.
THE TOP TEN MOST DISTRACTING THINGS IN A CHURCH SERVICE:
10. Breath mints.
Okay. I know this is random. My family has this odd practice of bringing mints for us to partake during the sermon when we need to ease our growling stomachs or halitosis (look it up). We prefer the Altoids brand because they're so strong (the advertisements are NOT lying) that you really can't have that many without your tongue falling off, so they last a while. Unfortunately, if you've already had one, and maybe you bit into it and the dust spilled all over your tongue and you started sweating a lot as you could feel the hole in the roof of your mouth getting bigger, it gets difficult to focus on what anyone is saying or praying or whether or not you still have feeling in your face.
9. Pastors.
One of the strangest facts of life is that sometimes the best distractions are the things you're trying to focus on. I have a really good pastor, but every now and again, he lets slip a mispronunciation or a couple of odd phrases. My favorite story is during one of his sermons, when instead of telling the story of Jesus going to Perea (which is in Israel), he read that Jesus went to Peoria (which is in Illinois).
But that doesn't happen often.
8. Weather.
If it's super hot, you know it. If it's super cold, you know it. If it starts raining outside, you know it. And you hate it. That's just how it is, and sometimes you can just move on with your life and sometimes you will just go completely bonkers. I suggest bringing a big bag with an emergency sweater, electric fan, and raincoat, just in case. Because that won't distract anyone else.
7. Trains.
Have you ever just been sitting in church when a random train chugs past and blows its whistle? Yeah. Crazy.
6. Sleepiness.
I'm sure you understand this, especially if your church has comfy chairs. So I won't go into detail.
Semi-related side story #2:
So you know the Puritans, right? ("Puritan" is synonymous with the phrase "super intense people, probably named John, who might show up on your AP US History Document Based Question essay.") When they went to church, the ushers had these sticks with a feather on the end that they would use to tickle the people who went to sleep and wake them up again. Not that bad, until you realize that the other side was a club and the dudes who fell asleep twice would get a nice fat whack on the cabeza.
5. Siblings.
I have two brothers who never completely agree on anything. Sometimes they poke each other incessantly, sometimes they nap right next to you and make your shoulder go to sleep, sometimes they draw pictures of you, and sometimes they eat too many Altoids and you have to resuscitate them. You have to constantly be alert, and that can distract you from...um...being alert.
4. Phones vibrating.
Don't act like it's never happened to you. This is usually what happens to me:
*zzzzzzt*
That's my phone! I wonder who it is! No I shouldn't check my phone. I'll look after the service.
*pause*
What if it's...no he wouldn't text me.
Would he? Maybe he would.
No. He didn't text you. Stop thinking he would text you.
Deborah's looking at me weird... Great. She can see me blushing.
Great.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not like it hasn't happened before...
It's not him I'll just check it later.
*pause*Okay, well it's not like I'll be able to focus on the sermon unless I check. It's justified.
*click click clickety click*
Deborah: Hey girl did you realize that you were supposed to be in the nursery today?
3. Birds.
I went to a high school full of birds, so dive-bombing sparrows in the sanctuary probably wouldn't be all that distracting. What's weird is when they just walk in, strutting like they own the place, and bring all their friends to congregate under the pew next to you. It's quite amusing. They look like a little mafia of bobbleheads.
2. Beats me. I needed a list of ten.
AND THE WINNER FOR MOST DISTRACTING ELEMENT IN CHURCH EVER EVER EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS...
1. Babies.
Let's be honest, they're kind of the cutest things ever, and when a chubby little bald person is staring at you from two rows in front of you like you're the Jolly Green Giant, you stare back and make faces. And when they sit across from you and stare at you, you stare back and make faces. And when they make faces back at you, your brother notices and starts making faces at them, and then the baby is staring at both of you and making faces and laughing at yours, and then you all look stupid except the baby who still looks adorable, and then church is over.
The end.
The distractions.
EVERY TIME. Not to say that I'm easily distracted, but...
Actually that's exactly what I'm saying. Hmm.
I have compiled a list of the top ten most distracting things in church. For the record, these are mostly in my experience, and if you have ever had some major malfunction that completely threw everything off then...that's cool.
Some close runners up were suddenly feeling itchy, sirens going past on the street, earthquakes, hay fever, going into labor, and wondering if you left the oven on. I chose not to include them because I had better explanations for the other ones.
Semi-related side story #1: Once in my yearbook class, I confessed that the time when I came up for the designs for the majority of my pages was during sermons. The supervisor being a Bible teacher, I expected him to be surprised and/or disappointed.
He told me that's when he had written most of his football plays.
I thought that was funny.
THE TOP TEN MOST DISTRACTING THINGS IN A CHURCH SERVICE:
10. Breath mints.
Okay. I know this is random. My family has this odd practice of bringing mints for us to partake during the sermon when we need to ease our growling stomachs or halitosis (look it up). We prefer the Altoids brand because they're so strong (the advertisements are NOT lying) that you really can't have that many without your tongue falling off, so they last a while. Unfortunately, if you've already had one, and maybe you bit into it and the dust spilled all over your tongue and you started sweating a lot as you could feel the hole in the roof of your mouth getting bigger, it gets difficult to focus on what anyone is saying or praying or whether or not you still have feeling in your face.
9. Pastors.
One of the strangest facts of life is that sometimes the best distractions are the things you're trying to focus on. I have a really good pastor, but every now and again, he lets slip a mispronunciation or a couple of odd phrases. My favorite story is during one of his sermons, when instead of telling the story of Jesus going to Perea (which is in Israel), he read that Jesus went to Peoria (which is in Illinois).
But that doesn't happen often.
8. Weather.
If it's super hot, you know it. If it's super cold, you know it. If it starts raining outside, you know it. And you hate it. That's just how it is, and sometimes you can just move on with your life and sometimes you will just go completely bonkers. I suggest bringing a big bag with an emergency sweater, electric fan, and raincoat, just in case. Because that won't distract anyone else.
7. Trains.
Have you ever just been sitting in church when a random train chugs past and blows its whistle? Yeah. Crazy.
6. Sleepiness.
I'm sure you understand this, especially if your church has comfy chairs. So I won't go into detail.
Semi-related side story #2:
So you know the Puritans, right? ("Puritan" is synonymous with the phrase "super intense people, probably named John, who might show up on your AP US History Document Based Question essay.") When they went to church, the ushers had these sticks with a feather on the end that they would use to tickle the people who went to sleep and wake them up again. Not that bad, until you realize that the other side was a club and the dudes who fell asleep twice would get a nice fat whack on the cabeza.
5. Siblings.
I have two brothers who never completely agree on anything. Sometimes they poke each other incessantly, sometimes they nap right next to you and make your shoulder go to sleep, sometimes they draw pictures of you, and sometimes they eat too many Altoids and you have to resuscitate them. You have to constantly be alert, and that can distract you from...um...being alert.
4. Phones vibrating.
Don't act like it's never happened to you. This is usually what happens to me:
*zzzzzzt*
That's my phone! I wonder who it is! No I shouldn't check my phone. I'll look after the service.
*pause*
What if it's...no he wouldn't text me.
Would he? Maybe he would.
No. He didn't text you. Stop thinking he would text you.
Deborah's looking at me weird... Great. She can see me blushing.
Great.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not him I'll just check it later.
It's not like it hasn't happened before...
It's not him I'll just check it later.
*pause*Okay, well it's not like I'll be able to focus on the sermon unless I check. It's justified.
*click click clickety click*
Deborah: Hey girl did you realize that you were supposed to be in the nursery today?
3. Birds.
I went to a high school full of birds, so dive-bombing sparrows in the sanctuary probably wouldn't be all that distracting. What's weird is when they just walk in, strutting like they own the place, and bring all their friends to congregate under the pew next to you. It's quite amusing. They look like a little mafia of bobbleheads.
2. Beats me. I needed a list of ten.
AND THE WINNER FOR MOST DISTRACTING ELEMENT IN CHURCH EVER EVER EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS...
1. Babies.
Let's be honest, they're kind of the cutest things ever, and when a chubby little bald person is staring at you from two rows in front of you like you're the Jolly Green Giant, you stare back and make faces. And when they sit across from you and stare at you, you stare back and make faces. And when they make faces back at you, your brother notices and starts making faces at them, and then the baby is staring at both of you and making faces and laughing at yours, and then you all look stupid except the baby who still looks adorable, and then church is over.
The end.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Snorkel is a funny word.
It's not every day I have deep, meaningful thoughts about fish.
That in and of itself is probably a good thing.
I used to really really like fish. I still do, but then... I was actually kind of obsessed with fish. I wanted to be a scuba diving marine biologist and have a pet shark in my house when I grew up. I did two book reports (probably more, but for some reason I haven't been able to force these two out of my memory) on undersea life. During visits to beaches, I could occasionally spout out useful information about why it's dangerous to step on sea urchins (because they're pointy). When I was even younger, I got a fish tank starter kit with a little brochure of the different kinds of freshwater fish that I could purchase, and I read it, multiple times a day, so I could plan out exactly which of the little creatures would get along.
...yeah.
Anywho. One day during a manatee special on National Geographic, I figured that marine biology might be a decent career for me, seeing as I waste all this time learning about these things anyway, I mean, might as well get paid for it. And that became my plan, and I was going to work at Sea World, and my future looked peachy. Sadly, one day I went snorkeling, kind of maybe had a minor panic attack-type occurence, and decided if I couldn't look at the fishies in their natural habitat, then I should maybe do something different.
I have recently gotten over my fear of snorkelling (today), and as a strictly unscientific observer, I have noticed a few things about fish that rather intrigue me.
Actually they're not that cool, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
First and foremost, fish are flippin' boring. And don't just say that's my "personal opinion." I followed the same fish around today for a few minutes, to see if it would wig out like people do, and it literally just swam around in a circle, nibbling off the same blotch of algae, and swimming away again, in the same circle, unaware of the mounting criticism behind him.
La de dahh, I'm a fish... Oh look there's that rock again! Hey! It tastes the same as it did two minutes ago! I think I'll swim around for sheer joy of the prospect! La la la la la laahhh...
Secondly, no one really gets excited about the brown fish. I feel sort of bad for them until the yellow ones swim by and distract me, because it's not like they do anything different (other than maybe swimming in a straight line). But all of the conservation laws revolve around the pretty fish, because the pretty fish are the ones that everyone wants to keep around! If you caught a pretty fish, you probably would throw it back and talk to your kids about how important it is to leave a good impact on the wilderness, but you catch a brown fish? Om nom nom.
Look at all those stupid orange fish. They think they're so hot. It's just like high school all over again.
Get it? School?
Thirdly, I might as well say it... Parrot fish look nothing like parrots.
We got back your name results. They've decided on "parrot fish."
What the heck is a parrot?
A large, tropical bird.
Uhh...
*awkward pause*
Better than "sea cucumber."
Touché.
Lastly. Have you noticed that the appreciation levels of fish are directly correlated not only to their colors, but to their appearance in the media? For example. Dolphins. Dolphins are friendly and cute. Dolphins are also posted all over T-Shirts and souvenirs and their own little TV shows (not that I would ever hate on Flipper). The result? People flip out over dolphins. Other forms of porpoise? Not so much.
What it should be: "DAD!! DAD!!! LOOK!!! It's a Zanclus comutus, more commonly known as a Moorish Idol, which is indigenous to tropical reefs such as this one!!"
What it really is: "DAD!!! DAAAD!!! LOOK!!!!! IT'S GILL FROM FINDING NEMO!!!!!"
So I wrote this whole thing out and then realized what I was having for dinner.
FISH STICKS.
That in and of itself is probably a good thing.
I used to really really like fish. I still do, but then... I was actually kind of obsessed with fish. I wanted to be a scuba diving marine biologist and have a pet shark in my house when I grew up. I did two book reports (probably more, but for some reason I haven't been able to force these two out of my memory) on undersea life. During visits to beaches, I could occasionally spout out useful information about why it's dangerous to step on sea urchins (because they're pointy). When I was even younger, I got a fish tank starter kit with a little brochure of the different kinds of freshwater fish that I could purchase, and I read it, multiple times a day, so I could plan out exactly which of the little creatures would get along.
...yeah.
Anywho. One day during a manatee special on National Geographic, I figured that marine biology might be a decent career for me, seeing as I waste all this time learning about these things anyway, I mean, might as well get paid for it. And that became my plan, and I was going to work at Sea World, and my future looked peachy. Sadly, one day I went snorkeling, kind of maybe had a minor panic attack-type occurence, and decided if I couldn't look at the fishies in their natural habitat, then I should maybe do something different.
I have recently gotten over my fear of snorkelling (today), and as a strictly unscientific observer, I have noticed a few things about fish that rather intrigue me.
Actually they're not that cool, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
First and foremost, fish are flippin' boring. And don't just say that's my "personal opinion." I followed the same fish around today for a few minutes, to see if it would wig out like people do, and it literally just swam around in a circle, nibbling off the same blotch of algae, and swimming away again, in the same circle, unaware of the mounting criticism behind him.
La de dahh, I'm a fish... Oh look there's that rock again! Hey! It tastes the same as it did two minutes ago! I think I'll swim around for sheer joy of the prospect! La la la la la laahhh...
Secondly, no one really gets excited about the brown fish. I feel sort of bad for them until the yellow ones swim by and distract me, because it's not like they do anything different (other than maybe swimming in a straight line). But all of the conservation laws revolve around the pretty fish, because the pretty fish are the ones that everyone wants to keep around! If you caught a pretty fish, you probably would throw it back and talk to your kids about how important it is to leave a good impact on the wilderness, but you catch a brown fish? Om nom nom.
Look at all those stupid orange fish. They think they're so hot. It's just like high school all over again.
Get it? School?
Thirdly, I might as well say it... Parrot fish look nothing like parrots.
We got back your name results. They've decided on "parrot fish."
What the heck is a parrot?
A large, tropical bird.
Uhh...
*awkward pause*
Better than "sea cucumber."
Touché.
Lastly. Have you noticed that the appreciation levels of fish are directly correlated not only to their colors, but to their appearance in the media? For example. Dolphins. Dolphins are friendly and cute. Dolphins are also posted all over T-Shirts and souvenirs and their own little TV shows (not that I would ever hate on Flipper). The result? People flip out over dolphins. Other forms of porpoise? Not so much.
What it should be: "DAD!! DAD!!! LOOK!!! It's a Zanclus comutus, more commonly known as a Moorish Idol, which is indigenous to tropical reefs such as this one!!"
What it really is: "DAD!!! DAAAD!!! LOOK!!!!! IT'S GILL FROM FINDING NEMO!!!!!"
So I wrote this whole thing out and then realized what I was having for dinner.
FISH STICKS.
Family bonding is overrated.
Everyone has this really romanticized view of Hawaii. Apparently it's all flowers and beaches and peaceful natives with ukeleles, a perfect place for a honeymoon or vacation or just a break from everyday nonsense.
HA!
Okay. Hawaii's great, don't get me wrong, and I have seen lots of flowers and beaches and natives smoking illegal substances in front of the entire public with absolutely no shame, but just because you're going somewhere perfect doesn't mean your journey itself will be. I know this because my family is terrible at taking these kinds of expeditions.
Actually, we always have lots of fun on trips, but never for the reasons we should.
...let me explain.
First, I should probably make the statement that any vacation that starts off with spending $35 at McDonald's is probably destined for trouble. Sure enough, after a 5 hour plane ride in an exit row with my brother (only available to those 15 years of age or older because anyone younger would react immaturely to a seat that doesn't recline) (not that we didn't), we arrived in the Honolulu airport and promptly got lost in the parking lot. We were planning on borrowing a friend's car, which had been left in the structure with the keys ready to go (because theft is actually frowned upon in some states that aren't California!), but the elusive vehicle was nowhere to be found. So naturally, we did what any organized and well-prepared family would do: ride the same elevator up and down twenty times. Soon after, we conveniently noticed there was a bridge to another parking structure, where we eventually found the car, but not without disrupting a moving sidewalk like good little tourists (as if you haven't ever wanted to go the wrong way on those things).
The next step on our journey was to locate the residence in which we were staying, or in layman's terms, hit the "Go Home" button on the GPS. Out we went, chuckling at our silly mishaps and the pronunciation of the Hawaiian streets by the voice-over lady in the system.
Now might be a good time for me to explain that until recently, I was under the impression that the language of Hawaiian was actually invented as a joke by the natives who saw the American settlers coming, and that no one in their right mind would name a street Ahumaaaaunuuuenehaha or anything to that effect. But that is a very closed-minded statement that I probably shouldn't publish.
Anywho, apparently my comments must have angered the traffic gods of Hawaii, who have been hanging out under freeways since their volcanos went dormant, and about the time we crossed onto the Awanakanakna (?) highway, a demon entered our GPS. The route spastically recalculated itself, but we weren't too worried about our location, because if those ladies know when to turn right in Hawaii, they're never wrong.
Then we pulled into the naval base.
Technically, that wouldn't have been a problem unless it was trespassing on government property against armed men who sacrifice their time learning how to shoot people. Which is exactly what it was. But they seemed very understanding when they gave back our licenses.
Post the most awkward U-turn of my life, we hit "Go Home" again, but this time we went home, and after a few promising sightings of Taco Bell, we got some dinner which unfortunately was not Taco Bell, sat down for a relaxing evening, and disconnected their DVD player.
Moral of the story: never travel without your mother.
HA!
Okay. Hawaii's great, don't get me wrong, and I have seen lots of flowers and beaches and natives smoking illegal substances in front of the entire public with absolutely no shame, but just because you're going somewhere perfect doesn't mean your journey itself will be. I know this because my family is terrible at taking these kinds of expeditions.
Actually, we always have lots of fun on trips, but never for the reasons we should.
...let me explain.
First, I should probably make the statement that any vacation that starts off with spending $35 at McDonald's is probably destined for trouble. Sure enough, after a 5 hour plane ride in an exit row with my brother (only available to those 15 years of age or older because anyone younger would react immaturely to a seat that doesn't recline) (not that we didn't), we arrived in the Honolulu airport and promptly got lost in the parking lot. We were planning on borrowing a friend's car, which had been left in the structure with the keys ready to go (because theft is actually frowned upon in some states that aren't California!), but the elusive vehicle was nowhere to be found. So naturally, we did what any organized and well-prepared family would do: ride the same elevator up and down twenty times. Soon after, we conveniently noticed there was a bridge to another parking structure, where we eventually found the car, but not without disrupting a moving sidewalk like good little tourists (as if you haven't ever wanted to go the wrong way on those things).
The next step on our journey was to locate the residence in which we were staying, or in layman's terms, hit the "Go Home" button on the GPS. Out we went, chuckling at our silly mishaps and the pronunciation of the Hawaiian streets by the voice-over lady in the system.
Now might be a good time for me to explain that until recently, I was under the impression that the language of Hawaiian was actually invented as a joke by the natives who saw the American settlers coming, and that no one in their right mind would name a street Ahumaaaaunuuuenehaha or anything to that effect. But that is a very closed-minded statement that I probably shouldn't publish.
Anywho, apparently my comments must have angered the traffic gods of Hawaii, who have been hanging out under freeways since their volcanos went dormant, and about the time we crossed onto the Awanakanakna (?) highway, a demon entered our GPS. The route spastically recalculated itself, but we weren't too worried about our location, because if those ladies know when to turn right in Hawaii, they're never wrong.
Then we pulled into the naval base.
Technically, that wouldn't have been a problem unless it was trespassing on government property against armed men who sacrifice their time learning how to shoot people. Which is exactly what it was. But they seemed very understanding when they gave back our licenses.
Post the most awkward U-turn of my life, we hit "Go Home" again, but this time we went home, and after a few promising sightings of Taco Bell, we got some dinner which unfortunately was not Taco Bell, sat down for a relaxing evening, and disconnected their DVD player.
Moral of the story: never travel without your mother.
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