First, I would like to say HAAAAPPY UNOFFENSIVE HOLIDAYS!!!! to my six followers.
Second, I would like to say MERRRYYY EVEN MORE UNNOFFENSIVE CHRISTMAKKANUQUANZA to everybody else who happens upon this.
Thirdly. I wrote a poem. And I hate it. But because I'm kind of in a mood (define that how you may), I decided to publish it anyway. It probably will depress you. But part of it is funny. You could just skip the end. The end is the sad part (it always is). I'm sorry if my attempts at depth and thought-provokingness are boring. I don't plan on doing it again. I just...ahhh who knows. It was supposed to be perky and uplifting but my brain wouldn't WRITE a perky and uplifting ending. So this happened.
Also if you see any lines that strike you as something fancy and poetic and mystical...that was an accident.
I'll probably offend people.
What's new.
--
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the stores,
The stresses were building under pressures galore.
There were dinners to buy and cookies to bake,
Not to mention the Christmas pictures left to take.
As the countdown continued, ten days became four,
And the shoppers were shopping and shopping some more!
The kids wrote their lists in unreadable fonts
To convey to their mothers what presents they'd want.
That commercial had yellow robots that had guns,
But if she got a blue one, they wouldn't have fun.
The jackets they wanted had to be Tony Hawk,
And terror would reign if she got them all SOCKS... (old joke)
The TV's were streaming from morning to night,
Their HD screens gleaming with goodness and light.
Just kidding.
Commercials poured out of the out-of-date speakers,
Saying to them, "Get new ones! And maybe some sneakers!
Buy video games full of violence and blood!
That's a good way to spend a day based on love!"
And the kids all said, "Ooohhhh," and their brains (which were rotted)
Told them, "That's what you need!" So their moms went and got it.
Meanwhile, back at the house, I was home with my mama,
Exhausted from finals and college's drama.
"What should I buy you for Christmas?" she said.
But I had no visions that danced in my head.
I thought of ideas, but they wouldn't form.
(My brain wasn't rotted. It was back in my dorm.)
So she made me explore, despite my contentment,
For she thought I'd be bummed out with only two presents.
On an outing last Wednesday, with Deb and my car,
I attempted to shop, but I didn't get far.
We ventured back home without losing much time,
For the outing, I fear, was less than sublime.
...let me explain.
The plazas I frequent have many good stores.
That's why I frequent them. That's what they're for.
But though I drive well, and there was enough room,
The parking, I found, was a gauntlet of doom.
And the faces I saw glaring down with great gall,
Left me wondering who really likes Christmas at all.
However. Today I went walking outside
On a simple excursion to see Christmas lights.
I saw families with babies and couples with wrinkles,
And friends taking pictures by blankets of twinkles.
There were trumpeters playing all sorts of sweet tunes,
And I saw fake snow fall in a night with no moon.
"This is Christmas," I thought, and I walked to a stand
Where I sought some hot cocoa to warm up my hands.
My friend spotted me with some cash, cuz I'm broke,
And our drinks were bestowed upon our chilly throats.
As we left, they called out, "Thank you for your donation!
It goes to support the Make a Wish foundation!"
...dang.
There are children in hospitals, sick as can be,
With just as much hope as we have Christmas glee.
In the midst of the decking the halls and the holly,
Is it too much to ask to PRETEND to be jolly?
What happened to "No matter what, you say 'Thank you,'"
And "Don't throw a fit; you're a brat, and I'll spank you"?
The Christmas-y joy I was hoping to know,
Is melting to puddles, as if it was snow.
Grandmas I imagined so rosy and sweet,
Almost crushed my front headlight on their way to the street.
Maybe you're stressed. You're grumpy. You're fill-in-your-answer.
There's a lot you must handle.
But you still don't have cancer.
(the end.)
Again, I don't like getting deep on here; it's kind of where I go to make fun of things that bother me, but...this bothered me...and I kind of made fun of it...and then I also felt like pointing out that I hate hate hate cancer. So yes.
And for those in our lives that are afflicted with cancer, then my prayer is that they especially have a Merry Christmas.
I think it's safe to assume it's yours too.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
In honor of everyone who knows what SATB stands for.
So I know all of you have been rabidly hungering for another of my riveting displays of wittiness, but alas, these lovely strings of works have been far out of reach over the past...very long time. So to all my beautiful readers (all five of you) you must know this: it is quite difficult to just whip one of these up out of nowhere, and that in order for this whipping up of these to occur, an event consisting of acceptable magnitude, humor, and not-being-difficult-to-criticize-ness also has to occur within a time period of, at most, 48 hours beforehand. And the whipping up must take an extensive time of intense care in my work, even more intense editing, about an hour of fearing my composition's inadequacy, and then a few seconds of concern for the feelings of people I probably offended (actually that only refers to my last blog post, which I'm not even really sorry for) before I can muster up the courage to finally log in and post it.
And sometimes I forget my password, which slows the production chain down a bit.
Also, I've been sick, and I have a lot of homework and tests and Christmas concerts and rehearsals for Christmas concerts and practicing music for Christmas concerts and OF COURSE running through the venue during a cue to cue of the Christmas concerts without falling and breaking my nose. And for the sake of those readers who are my mother, let me just say that I also locked myself out of my room, which has all of my books I need to study inside of it, which is why I am writing this. Not that I really need to study because she did such a wonderful job homeschooling me.
I love you.
So speaking of Christmas concerts, I have one this weekend, and the people in charge have almost sold out two shows. That's 9000 people who are PAYING to see a lot of college kids execute the musical phenomenon that is choreography, also known as the flailing of the arms to a rhythm. It is also possible that they will hear us sing, if we can force down our coughs for long enough. Some of us also get to hold plastic candles. That should be a real treat.
But being completely honest, I really enjoy Christmas concerts. You can learn a lot from them. For instance, there are about a hundred and twelve different ways to express the birth of the Messiah. "The first noel the angel did say!" "Lo how a rose e'er blooming!" "De virgin Mary had a baby boy!" "You'll go down in history, like Columbus!" They are also good ways to reconnect with your family without having to spend gas money. (And by that I mean your gas money. They should be happy to blow theirs on something other than your tuition.) The best part about Christmas concerts, though, is when they're over, and you can put another notch in your belt of how many Christmas concerts you've sung in. It gives you a lot more prestige in the wonderful world of choir and such.
Which brings me to this. Today I realized, while trying to write a facebook status,
[DISCLAIMER. Facebook statuses take up way too much of my life. They are not merely an expression of "what's on my mind," but a measurement of my social life. And my standards are way too high. For example, if a status does not have at least ten "likes," reread and consider deletion. I have a problem.
DISCLAIMER FOR THE DISCLAIMER: I've already blogged about this.]
that even though there are a lot of things that bother me about choir, and it goes against many aspects of my personality and is honestly something really random for a biology major to be involved in, it has become so integrated and fused to my being that not being stressed over a Christmas conert is more unnatural than becoming sick because of one. I've been in choir for about six years, if you don't count singing in little baby choir when I was...a little baby. Which is why I have compiled this list (we're just getting to the list NOW?! That's one heck of an introduction!!) of things that I have discovered during my first year of college choir. Oddly enough, you might recognize some of them, and should probably be embarrassed if you do. Well. Maybe. It might just be me.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN CHOIR TOO LONG IF...
1. You're learning your fourth arrangement of a song.
This summer, I got a batch of music and voice parts, and I realized that not only did I already know one of the pieces, but I knew other versions of it as well. I'm actually not sure why I found that strange. Maybe because I had never really considered the idea that being in a musical group for all of middle school and part of high school could actually be pertinent to my undergraduate choral adventures. Or maybe I was bothered by the song the first time and was wondering why directors liked it so much. It's called "How Can I Keep from Singing," and with a few years of experience under the right conditions, the answer to that question will become very clear to you.
2. You know the song already, but not the voice part.
This happens most often during Handel's (in)famous "Hallelujah Chorus." I hear worried people all the time saying, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT PART TO SING BECAUSE LAST YEAR I LEARNED THE SOPRANO BUT NOW I'M AN ALTO AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THIS SONG SAYS THE SAME THING 80 TIMES SO I DIDN'T LEARN IT THE FIRST TIME ANYWAY." And I concur! The best approach is just to pick a part and sing it, no matter where your director puts you, because it will be different every year. Which brings me to my next point...
3. You don't know what voice part you are.*
This is actually the opposite of what you might think. You would guess that someone with 6+ years of experience would be able to say something like, "Oh yeah, I'm a baritone." But you, in fact, are wrong. The ranges of different voice parts actually overlap enough that you can be put one above or below pretty easily. So using math, I can say that since the more recent voice parts I've sung were Soprano 2 and Alto 2, I'm probably an Alto 1. But a lot of people think I'm a soprano. And I could probably carry a tenor part if the planet was counting on me to release it from some sort of music-depraved tyranny. So there's really no way of telling.
Sometimes, during my junior year in high school, I snuck over to the other side of the class where the altos sat and sang their part instead.
4. You know jokes about other voice parts. Or just sopranos.
What's the difference between a soprano and an alto?
An alto can read music.
What's the difference between a soprano and a howler monkey?
Lipstick.
What's a soprano's best excuse for escaping an awkward conversation?
Vocal rest. (That one I made up, but it's actually true.)
5. You've used vocal rest as an excuse to escape an awkward conversation.
And now you can never use it again.
6. You've walked into a concert venue panicking because you're late, and suddenly realized that this isn't the first panic attack you've had in this hallway.
This is a semi-creepy way of saying you've used the same location for a concert before and didn't realize it until being smacked in the face by deja vu. Which is actually what happened to me today, and inspired this post. Basically, after running back and forth through the same hall trying to figure out how the HECK to get onto the balcony, I realized, not only did I know how to get onto the balcony, but I probably knew the building better than 85% of the people there. And every other building around. I'd eaten in some of them, slept in some of them, changed in some of them, and sung in most of them. It's a weird feeling, walking past a bathroom that looks oddly familiar and thinking, "Hey... I peed in there!"
7. Guys in tuxes don't phase you.
There comes a point after being around guys in collared shirts and ties for days and then guys in coat tails and cummerbunds for days and even guys in snazzy gray suits with purple ties (which definitely takes the cake in the awesome choir outfit category) that even if a guy has his bow tie straight, is working his tux like nobody's business, and is holding himself with a poise that matches and even surpasses the intensity and class of the outfit he's wearing...
...no one cares.
8. You refuse to sing the melody.
If you hear a song on the radio you know, harmonize. If you hear a song on the radio you don't know, harmonize. If you sing a song in church and you absolutely must, sing the octave. No...actually that's no good either; try a third above. Singing the melody is not just the easy way out. It's sign of weakness.
9. Your current choir director's wife was your director's accompanist in eighth grade, you sit with their daughter, who was also in your choir in eighth grade, in chemistry, and almost all your male friends are in your brother choir, which is under the direction of your high school choir director's choir director, because you randomly ended up going to the same college as he did.
And you're not even a music major.
*voice parts for the musically uneducated:
Soprano 1- squeaky high women's part
Soprano 2- moderately high women's part
Alto 1- every Disney princess, ever.
Alto 2- manly women's part.
Tenor 1- really manly women's part, or sometimes men.
Tenor 2- normal famous person's range.
Baritone- indecisive man's part.
Bass- people who talk so low you can't even understand them.
And sometimes I forget my password, which slows the production chain down a bit.
Also, I've been sick, and I have a lot of homework and tests and Christmas concerts and rehearsals for Christmas concerts and practicing music for Christmas concerts and OF COURSE running through the venue during a cue to cue of the Christmas concerts without falling and breaking my nose. And for the sake of those readers who are my mother, let me just say that I also locked myself out of my room, which has all of my books I need to study inside of it, which is why I am writing this. Not that I really need to study because she did such a wonderful job homeschooling me.
I love you.
So speaking of Christmas concerts, I have one this weekend, and the people in charge have almost sold out two shows. That's 9000 people who are PAYING to see a lot of college kids execute the musical phenomenon that is choreography, also known as the flailing of the arms to a rhythm. It is also possible that they will hear us sing, if we can force down our coughs for long enough. Some of us also get to hold plastic candles. That should be a real treat.
But being completely honest, I really enjoy Christmas concerts. You can learn a lot from them. For instance, there are about a hundred and twelve different ways to express the birth of the Messiah. "The first noel the angel did say!" "Lo how a rose e'er blooming!" "De virgin Mary had a baby boy!" "You'll go down in history, like Columbus!" They are also good ways to reconnect with your family without having to spend gas money. (And by that I mean your gas money. They should be happy to blow theirs on something other than your tuition.) The best part about Christmas concerts, though, is when they're over, and you can put another notch in your belt of how many Christmas concerts you've sung in. It gives you a lot more prestige in the wonderful world of choir and such.
Which brings me to this. Today I realized, while trying to write a facebook status,
[DISCLAIMER. Facebook statuses take up way too much of my life. They are not merely an expression of "what's on my mind," but a measurement of my social life. And my standards are way too high. For example, if a status does not have at least ten "likes," reread and consider deletion. I have a problem.
DISCLAIMER FOR THE DISCLAIMER: I've already blogged about this.]
that even though there are a lot of things that bother me about choir, and it goes against many aspects of my personality and is honestly something really random for a biology major to be involved in, it has become so integrated and fused to my being that not being stressed over a Christmas conert is more unnatural than becoming sick because of one. I've been in choir for about six years, if you don't count singing in little baby choir when I was...a little baby. Which is why I have compiled this list (we're just getting to the list NOW?! That's one heck of an introduction!!) of things that I have discovered during my first year of college choir. Oddly enough, you might recognize some of them, and should probably be embarrassed if you do. Well. Maybe. It might just be me.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN CHOIR TOO LONG IF...
1. You're learning your fourth arrangement of a song.
This summer, I got a batch of music and voice parts, and I realized that not only did I already know one of the pieces, but I knew other versions of it as well. I'm actually not sure why I found that strange. Maybe because I had never really considered the idea that being in a musical group for all of middle school and part of high school could actually be pertinent to my undergraduate choral adventures. Or maybe I was bothered by the song the first time and was wondering why directors liked it so much. It's called "How Can I Keep from Singing," and with a few years of experience under the right conditions, the answer to that question will become very clear to you.
2. You know the song already, but not the voice part.
This happens most often during Handel's (in)famous "Hallelujah Chorus." I hear worried people all the time saying, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT PART TO SING BECAUSE LAST YEAR I LEARNED THE SOPRANO BUT NOW I'M AN ALTO AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THIS SONG SAYS THE SAME THING 80 TIMES SO I DIDN'T LEARN IT THE FIRST TIME ANYWAY." And I concur! The best approach is just to pick a part and sing it, no matter where your director puts you, because it will be different every year. Which brings me to my next point...
3. You don't know what voice part you are.*
This is actually the opposite of what you might think. You would guess that someone with 6+ years of experience would be able to say something like, "Oh yeah, I'm a baritone." But you, in fact, are wrong. The ranges of different voice parts actually overlap enough that you can be put one above or below pretty easily. So using math, I can say that since the more recent voice parts I've sung were Soprano 2 and Alto 2, I'm probably an Alto 1. But a lot of people think I'm a soprano. And I could probably carry a tenor part if the planet was counting on me to release it from some sort of music-depraved tyranny. So there's really no way of telling.
Sometimes, during my junior year in high school, I snuck over to the other side of the class where the altos sat and sang their part instead.
4. You know jokes about other voice parts. Or just sopranos.
What's the difference between a soprano and an alto?
An alto can read music.
What's the difference between a soprano and a howler monkey?
Lipstick.
What's a soprano's best excuse for escaping an awkward conversation?
Vocal rest. (That one I made up, but it's actually true.)
5. You've used vocal rest as an excuse to escape an awkward conversation.
And now you can never use it again.
6. You've walked into a concert venue panicking because you're late, and suddenly realized that this isn't the first panic attack you've had in this hallway.
This is a semi-creepy way of saying you've used the same location for a concert before and didn't realize it until being smacked in the face by deja vu. Which is actually what happened to me today, and inspired this post. Basically, after running back and forth through the same hall trying to figure out how the HECK to get onto the balcony, I realized, not only did I know how to get onto the balcony, but I probably knew the building better than 85% of the people there. And every other building around. I'd eaten in some of them, slept in some of them, changed in some of them, and sung in most of them. It's a weird feeling, walking past a bathroom that looks oddly familiar and thinking, "Hey... I peed in there!"
7. Guys in tuxes don't phase you.
There comes a point after being around guys in collared shirts and ties for days and then guys in coat tails and cummerbunds for days and even guys in snazzy gray suits with purple ties (which definitely takes the cake in the awesome choir outfit category) that even if a guy has his bow tie straight, is working his tux like nobody's business, and is holding himself with a poise that matches and even surpasses the intensity and class of the outfit he's wearing...
...no one cares.
8. You refuse to sing the melody.
If you hear a song on the radio you know, harmonize. If you hear a song on the radio you don't know, harmonize. If you sing a song in church and you absolutely must, sing the octave. No...actually that's no good either; try a third above. Singing the melody is not just the easy way out. It's sign of weakness.
9. Your current choir director's wife was your director's accompanist in eighth grade, you sit with their daughter, who was also in your choir in eighth grade, in chemistry, and almost all your male friends are in your brother choir, which is under the direction of your high school choir director's choir director, because you randomly ended up going to the same college as he did.
And you're not even a music major.
*voice parts for the musically uneducated:
Soprano 1- squeaky high women's part
Soprano 2- moderately high women's part
Alto 1- every Disney princess, ever.
Alto 2- manly women's part.
Tenor 1- really manly women's part, or sometimes men.
Tenor 2- normal famous person's range.
Baritone- indecisive man's part.
Bass- people who talk so low you can't even understand them.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Let's get together, yeah yeah STOP.
One of my friends told me a while back that my blog was my form of release, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Another friend told me today that they missed my posts and wanted to hear more. And in a couple weeks, my theology professor will probably tell me that I could have done way better on my midterm. But there are a couple of things I need to address.
First of all, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I've been in college almost two months and people are already in relationships and planning marriage. We're eighteen years old--still drastically hormonal--how are we supposed to be making these decisions already?! We are like heroic baby lizards, slowly emerging from underneath a big rock of refuge, surveying the desert landscape for the first time, warming up under the hot sun, hearing the far off cries of predatory eagles and embarking on our first searches for oblivious crunchy insects! We have no time to go lay eggs! What are you thinking!?
Secondly, aside from that one time I explained God using clams, that was probably the best analogy I've ever come up with.
Dating stresses me out. Not that I've ever done it. That might actually be why it stresses me out. I think people just make this huge deal about it and then complain about not having boyfriends and then go and get boyfriends when they could be doing way better things than dating boyfriends. Like writing a blog. Without a boyfriend. And not caring about boyfriends. And not even thinking about boyfriends. Or wondering why they've never had a boyfriend. Ever. Ever ever ever ever. But I prefer the approach of learning valuable life skills, like........
1. Typing with a box of Wheat Thins on your head. Actually the box is empty. But I'm really good at it. Not that this is about me.
2. Whistling. It's not as widespread a talent as you think. Someone's bound to be super jell.
3. Develop a hypothetical writing style, such as talking about yourself being single without letting on that it's actually about you.
4. Catching the Wheat Thins box when it falls off of your head.
The possibilities are really quite endless.
But being completely honest, the whole "GET A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" mentality is not just taking up emotional energy and depriving us of valuable life-skill-developing time. It's affecting the social environment.
(WARNING: Author develops bad mood right about...now.)
The girls I knew in high school were giddy and nervous and at the most maybe a wee bit conniving when Sadie Hawkins rolled around. Now that I'm in college and have encountered older and more experienced young women, I don't even know why we have a Sadie's anymore, because I feel like setting wolverines loose on the campus would end up being less destructive, and might even save money.
The state of females that I will be encountering in the next few weeks makes me worried. I have rubbed my temples nervously, sighed heavily and facepalmed abundantly already. Sure, there are some chill girls who are kind of half and half on the whole thing. And there are girls who are already dating people and are by default not involved in this nonsense. And though to some the "ring by spring" mentality may be a bother, it really only freaks me out about how old I am. What disturbs me (and quite honestly, makes me want to throw chairs out of windows) are the girls who say "OH MY GOSH. 'Ring by spring' is sooooooo needy. I'm so above that. I don't need or want a husband right now because I have so much stuff in my life I need to get in order and I want to start a career and become a feminist and travel and blah blah blah!!" *triumphant stance* And if you think that, then I respect you. And I support you. And I will believe you, once you stop making eyes and hitting on and desperately clinging to every guy you've spoken to since you got here. Seriously, at least the "needy" ones are being honest.
aslgha;elifjcalenalkgalkdfngrk.
I don't know how to finish this with dignity. So I won't try, and I'll just finish with this. To my homegirls who are feeling lonesome and who are wondering why things are the way they are: being single is secretly really cool. You have better things to do while you wait. When I see you, I see a person who has dignity and self-respect. Which is quite a feat, because, a lot of girls are ranked in my brain right now under "angry pterodactyl." Don't hate on your life because all your friends have/have had boyfriends and you don't/never have had/think you will become a cat lady. Cats are super awesome.
And so are you.
First of all, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I've been in college almost two months and people are already in relationships and planning marriage. We're eighteen years old--still drastically hormonal--how are we supposed to be making these decisions already?! We are like heroic baby lizards, slowly emerging from underneath a big rock of refuge, surveying the desert landscape for the first time, warming up under the hot sun, hearing the far off cries of predatory eagles and embarking on our first searches for oblivious crunchy insects! We have no time to go lay eggs! What are you thinking!?
Secondly, aside from that one time I explained God using clams, that was probably the best analogy I've ever come up with.
Dating stresses me out. Not that I've ever done it. That might actually be why it stresses me out. I think people just make this huge deal about it and then complain about not having boyfriends and then go and get boyfriends when they could be doing way better things than dating boyfriends. Like writing a blog. Without a boyfriend. And not caring about boyfriends. And not even thinking about boyfriends. Or wondering why they've never had a boyfriend. Ever. Ever ever ever ever. But I prefer the approach of learning valuable life skills, like........
1. Typing with a box of Wheat Thins on your head. Actually the box is empty. But I'm really good at it. Not that this is about me.
2. Whistling. It's not as widespread a talent as you think. Someone's bound to be super jell.
3. Develop a hypothetical writing style, such as talking about yourself being single without letting on that it's actually about you.
4. Catching the Wheat Thins box when it falls off of your head.
The possibilities are really quite endless.
But being completely honest, the whole "GET A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" mentality is not just taking up emotional energy and depriving us of valuable life-skill-developing time. It's affecting the social environment.
(WARNING: Author develops bad mood right about...now.)
The girls I knew in high school were giddy and nervous and at the most maybe a wee bit conniving when Sadie Hawkins rolled around. Now that I'm in college and have encountered older and more experienced young women, I don't even know why we have a Sadie's anymore, because I feel like setting wolverines loose on the campus would end up being less destructive, and might even save money.
The state of females that I will be encountering in the next few weeks makes me worried. I have rubbed my temples nervously, sighed heavily and facepalmed abundantly already. Sure, there are some chill girls who are kind of half and half on the whole thing. And there are girls who are already dating people and are by default not involved in this nonsense. And though to some the "ring by spring" mentality may be a bother, it really only freaks me out about how old I am. What disturbs me (and quite honestly, makes me want to throw chairs out of windows) are the girls who say "OH MY GOSH. 'Ring by spring' is sooooooo needy. I'm so above that. I don't need or want a husband right now because I have so much stuff in my life I need to get in order and I want to start a career and become a feminist and travel and blah blah blah!!" *triumphant stance* And if you think that, then I respect you. And I support you. And I will believe you, once you stop making eyes and hitting on and desperately clinging to every guy you've spoken to since you got here. Seriously, at least the "needy" ones are being honest.
aslgha;elifjcalenalkgalkdfngrk.
I don't know how to finish this with dignity. So I won't try, and I'll just finish with this. To my homegirls who are feeling lonesome and who are wondering why things are the way they are: being single is secretly really cool. You have better things to do while you wait. When I see you, I see a person who has dignity and self-respect. Which is quite a feat, because, a lot of girls are ranked in my brain right now under "angry pterodactyl." Don't hate on your life because all your friends have/have had boyfriends and you don't/never have had/think you will become a cat lady. Cats are super awesome.
And so are you.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Welcome to COLLEGE. That will be fourteen million dollars.
Well you guys...the big day came. And now it's over, and I'm sitting in my dorm room typing away on my blog because I have yet to construct a successful social life. (Yes, I think I just might be "that kid.")
Other than that though, stuff is fine. Lots of people keep asking me what I'm doing at orientation, and whether or not college is everything I hoped and dreamed, and if I'm worried about my classes, and what I plan on eating for lunch in the caf tomorrow, and quite honestly, I would begin to refrain from that kind of intense questioning, because I'm on the verge of becoming violent. Just kidding!
But seriously.
As annoying as those questions are, however, I've found that those are in some cases not bad conversation topics at all, because it means that everything is going normally. Those are normal questions. And you get asked them by everyone around you, because they expect you to be a normal individual. Unfortunately, there are a few questions that, as I've noticed, have a little more consequence than the aforementioned. And since I've been here for a week and have had such vast intellectual experiences, I thought I would list some interrogatory comments that you MAYBE want to avoid being asked (or asking, for that matter) within your first few days of undergraduate schooling. Seven, one for each day of the week.
Disclaimer: Not all of these questions have been directed at me. One was directed at someone I was standing next to.
1. "Does something smell like it's burning?"
You really do not want to be in this situation. If something smells like it's burning, you could very well be either completely devoid of any nasal capability whatsoever, or near to burning down your building, both of which aren't exactly good things. When asked this, I would check your extension cords (which are illegal in my dorm, so I don't have any, even though I do have a waffle maker and duct tape) or your power strips, or maybe the back of your minifridge that your roommate's father suggested that you put up on a stand so it doesn't overheat. (Note: put minifridges on stands so they do not overheat.) That way you can avoid having to awkwardly reposition your roommate's dresser to the center of the room and place the defective appliance on top of it. This disaster of residential design is now lovingly referred to as our "food shrine."
2. "So are you the triplet?"
First of all... I will point out that the twins in this situation are fraternal in the first place, so it's not actually a COMPLETELY stupid question, except that I look nothing like either of them and am about two feet shorter. I also will point out that I wasn't exactly asked this question in the above wording; it was actually just assumed, which makes it even worse. It also made me very sad that I am not a triplet because being a triplet makes you way cooler than you actually are, and that way I might be doing something more interesting than this. So you can blame my parents.
3. "...are you from Washington?"
That in and of itself is a very awkward question. I have nothing against those who reside in the Pacific Northwest; however, putting that one out there means that you either are in possession of a completely absurd stereotype or are psychic, but you're probably just a stalker. The situation actually worked out to the two having a mutual friend that had tried to introduce them but it hadn't worked but the one asking the question had recognized him from a picture and he fell to his knees in shock and everyone thought they were getting married. Which brings me to the next question...
4. "Will you be my girlfriend?"
Funny story: I have NOTHING against dating. If you are in orientation and are reading this hatefully because you have just found true love forever and ever till death do you part and I hope it comes quickly, fantastic. I am SO beyond happy for you. But what is NOT a good idea is asking this question in a hypothetical situation where someone is standing right there and only hears THAT part of the conversation. ("Movin' pretty fast, aren't you, buddy?")
5. "Is your name ______?"
First of all, that means you aren't sure, and that makes you inconsiderate. Secondly, it means you weren't really paying attention when they told you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Third, if you are wrong, it means you have met other people who are more important to you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Fourthly, if you get it right, and then they get it wrong, it makes them feel inconsiderate. Last, if you just get it right in the first place, you might just be creepin', and that makes you VERY inconsiderate. Either way, now you have no friends.
6. "How do you transpose bass clef up an octave?"
This is actually only a bad question if you are a woman who is trying to sing a song in bass clef without studying it or having a wide knowledge of transposition, and you might have to sing very very low and abandon some of your femininity at the same time.
I'm sorry if you nonmusical individuals were confused by this question. Now you know what it's like to be an outsider, too.
Fun fact! Man choir's Tenor 1's sing in the same range as woman choir's Alto 2's! Probably higher! Yay!
7. "What's wrong?"
"I won't see my parents until Christmas."
"My books cost me all my allowance since fifth grade."
"My laptop was stolen."
"Someone just stepped on my foot."
"My roommate is a delusional psychopath that is stealing my life."
Just...don't ask that question.
Other than that though, stuff is fine. Lots of people keep asking me what I'm doing at orientation, and whether or not college is everything I hoped and dreamed, and if I'm worried about my classes, and what I plan on eating for lunch in the caf tomorrow, and quite honestly, I would begin to refrain from that kind of intense questioning, because I'm on the verge of becoming violent. Just kidding!
But seriously.
As annoying as those questions are, however, I've found that those are in some cases not bad conversation topics at all, because it means that everything is going normally. Those are normal questions. And you get asked them by everyone around you, because they expect you to be a normal individual. Unfortunately, there are a few questions that, as I've noticed, have a little more consequence than the aforementioned. And since I've been here for a week and have had such vast intellectual experiences, I thought I would list some interrogatory comments that you MAYBE want to avoid being asked (or asking, for that matter) within your first few days of undergraduate schooling. Seven, one for each day of the week.
Disclaimer: Not all of these questions have been directed at me. One was directed at someone I was standing next to.
1. "Does something smell like it's burning?"
You really do not want to be in this situation. If something smells like it's burning, you could very well be either completely devoid of any nasal capability whatsoever, or near to burning down your building, both of which aren't exactly good things. When asked this, I would check your extension cords (which are illegal in my dorm, so I don't have any, even though I do have a waffle maker and duct tape) or your power strips, or maybe the back of your minifridge that your roommate's father suggested that you put up on a stand so it doesn't overheat. (Note: put minifridges on stands so they do not overheat.) That way you can avoid having to awkwardly reposition your roommate's dresser to the center of the room and place the defective appliance on top of it. This disaster of residential design is now lovingly referred to as our "food shrine."
2. "So are you the triplet?"
First of all... I will point out that the twins in this situation are fraternal in the first place, so it's not actually a COMPLETELY stupid question, except that I look nothing like either of them and am about two feet shorter. I also will point out that I wasn't exactly asked this question in the above wording; it was actually just assumed, which makes it even worse. It also made me very sad that I am not a triplet because being a triplet makes you way cooler than you actually are, and that way I might be doing something more interesting than this. So you can blame my parents.
3. "...are you from Washington?"
That in and of itself is a very awkward question. I have nothing against those who reside in the Pacific Northwest; however, putting that one out there means that you either are in possession of a completely absurd stereotype or are psychic, but you're probably just a stalker. The situation actually worked out to the two having a mutual friend that had tried to introduce them but it hadn't worked but the one asking the question had recognized him from a picture and he fell to his knees in shock and everyone thought they were getting married. Which brings me to the next question...
4. "Will you be my girlfriend?"
Funny story: I have NOTHING against dating. If you are in orientation and are reading this hatefully because you have just found true love forever and ever till death do you part and I hope it comes quickly, fantastic. I am SO beyond happy for you. But what is NOT a good idea is asking this question in a hypothetical situation where someone is standing right there and only hears THAT part of the conversation. ("Movin' pretty fast, aren't you, buddy?")
5. "Is your name ______?"
First of all, that means you aren't sure, and that makes you inconsiderate. Secondly, it means you weren't really paying attention when they told you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Third, if you are wrong, it means you have met other people who are more important to you, and that makes you inconsiderate. Fourthly, if you get it right, and then they get it wrong, it makes them feel inconsiderate. Last, if you just get it right in the first place, you might just be creepin', and that makes you VERY inconsiderate. Either way, now you have no friends.
6. "How do you transpose bass clef up an octave?"
This is actually only a bad question if you are a woman who is trying to sing a song in bass clef without studying it or having a wide knowledge of transposition, and you might have to sing very very low and abandon some of your femininity at the same time.
I'm sorry if you nonmusical individuals were confused by this question. Now you know what it's like to be an outsider, too.
Fun fact! Man choir's Tenor 1's sing in the same range as woman choir's Alto 2's! Probably higher! Yay!
7. "What's wrong?"
"I won't see my parents until Christmas."
"My books cost me all my allowance since fifth grade."
"My laptop was stolen."
"Someone just stepped on my foot."
"My roommate is a delusional psychopath that is stealing my life."
Just...don't ask that question.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Haikollege.
This is the epic tale of how I coped with the fact that I would be doing my own laundry in college, in the form of ancient Chinese poetry. I hope you don't vomit.
I'm disappointed.
Laundry is no longer free
Darn stupid college.
I am in charge now.
I must wash ALL my clothing.
Darn STUPID college.
My mother and I
Embarked on a long journey
To procure supplies.
I am italics.
My mother has quotations.
I hope you get it.
--
No! Please no laundry!
I cannot pay for laundry!
I am far too poor!
"Fabric softener,
Detergent, stain remover..."
I do not like this.
Can't I use Febreze?
At least I will not smell bad!
"That is disgusting."
Now I had to pay,
Although I had no money.
I began to search.
Hmm...a stray quarter...
Can I have this for college?
I could wash...a sock.
Another quarter...
I could always just take it...
Daddy won't miss it.
"Here is some change, dear.
We saved it all in a jar,
Over twenty years..."
Sometimes my mother
Forgets important things, like
MASSIVE JARS OF CASH.
This jar was so big
That we could not carry it.
AND WE STILL HAD MORE.
Many hours later,
We had found many coin jars,
And snatched their silver.
Then Mom thought of one
That Dad had in his sock drawer.
We captured that too.
Unfortunately,
The jar had grown quite heavy.
Yet we plodded on.
It was very hard
To bring the coin jar upstairs,
And I almost died.
I apologize
For how very sucky these
Verses are getting.
Mommy thought deeply.
"I want to know the value.
Dump out the coin jar."
Why do we need to?
"For curiosity's sake."
Well that's annoying.
So we counted them,
All of those stupid quarters.
I was quite angered.
"Please! Let's just count them...................
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS.
Man, we are LOADED."
Now I am happy.
I can do all my laundry!
Well. If I have time.
I'm disappointed.
Laundry is no longer free
Darn stupid college.
I am in charge now.
I must wash ALL my clothing.
Darn STUPID college.
My mother and I
Embarked on a long journey
To procure supplies.
I am italics.
My mother has quotations.
I hope you get it.
--
No! Please no laundry!
I cannot pay for laundry!
I am far too poor!
"Fabric softener,
Detergent, stain remover..."
I do not like this.
Can't I use Febreze?
At least I will not smell bad!
"That is disgusting."
Now I had to pay,
Although I had no money.
I began to search.
Hmm...a stray quarter...
Can I have this for college?
I could wash...a sock.
Another quarter...
I could always just take it...
Daddy won't miss it.
"Here is some change, dear.
We saved it all in a jar,
Over twenty years..."
Sometimes my mother
Forgets important things, like
MASSIVE JARS OF CASH.
This jar was so big
That we could not carry it.
AND WE STILL HAD MORE.
Many hours later,
We had found many coin jars,
And snatched their silver.
Then Mom thought of one
That Dad had in his sock drawer.
We captured that too.
Unfortunately,
The jar had grown quite heavy.
Yet we plodded on.
It was very hard
To bring the coin jar upstairs,
And I almost died.
I apologize
For how very sucky these
Verses are getting.
Mommy thought deeply.
"I want to know the value.
Dump out the coin jar."
Why do we need to?
"For curiosity's sake."
Well that's annoying.
So we counted them,
All of those stupid quarters.
I was quite angered.
"Please! Let's just count them...................
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS.
Man, we are LOADED."
Now I am happy.
I can do all my laundry!
Well. If I have time.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Little quicky baby post.
This really actually isn't anything very long and exciting, but I found it humorous, so I thought I would share it with you, because I love you guys that much.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
Now translate it back.
The end. Have a nice day.
Or because I'm rabidly desperate for attention. You decide.
If any of you have ever used Google Translate, you are probably aware that although it is a highly useful tool, especially if you feel like cheating on your Spanish project, it is not exactly foolproof, because (A) not all phrases/words fit together the same way as in other languages and (B) you have no way to tell what you're actually saying... otherwise you wouldn't be using the program.
One of the things I enjoy doing at my friend's house when she is out of food is translating things into another language and then back into English. Surprise surprise... it doesn't come out the same.
I will give her credit for this discovery.
For example. I chose to use, in this case, the pledge of allegiance, but if you want to make things even more complex, you should use a longer piece of historic American documentation or something by Lady Gaga.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Now translate it. Do not ask me why... but Japanese works best.
"私はアメリカ合衆国の国旗に、そしてそれはすべてのために自由と正義と、不可分の、神の下、一国の略のための共和国に忠誠を誓う."
Now translate it back.
"I have the national flag of the United States, and it is with liberty and justice for all, indivisible, under God, loyalty to the republic for almost a country."Try throwing that one at your teacher in fourth grade history.
The end. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
How to create a successful Facebook status.
Now. I know what some of you are thinking. Let me assure you, you did not leave the oven on, or your local fire department would have called by now.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
Also, yes, this post is for real.
Facebook is a very unique and efficient social tool that doubles as a stalker-enabler. Many people have it on their phones, some have it constantly open on a tab while they use their laptops, and almost everyone has, at one point, regretted that they explained how to use it to their parents. But regardless of the available method of employment or who employs the available method of employment, everyone uses it for the same things: looking at pictures, inviting people to fiestas, wishing a happy birthday to their acquaintances, perusing through the pages of the guys they like to make sure no hookers were posting on them, and updating statuses. The first four activities require little to no effort or explanation. However, thanks to the invention of the "like" button, statuses and even comments are now under constant scrutinization of the public, and the amount of feedback on each one can make or break a social life.
I'm dead serious.
So for those of you whose personal opinions and ideas have been lacking a little "umph" lately, I have created a ridiculously brief but completely free tutorial that will add a little pizazz to your pages.
I also refuse to be held liable.
1. You won't get a lot of feedback if you don't have a lot of friends.
This is kind of a ditzy high schooler rule (I can say that without scruple as I am now a collegiate), but let's face it: if no one likes you, no one's going to say anything about whether or not you just won the Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone likes you and you have Mexican food for lunch, you can easily create an entourage. Those in the first category must make friends. The second must make tacos. Of course, you may be kind of in the middle, and possibly have a few friends who really like you but also a couple who are super flaky and play favorites and don't actually care about your personal life and talk about your secrets and stab you in the back to get where they want in life not like that ever happened to me or anything. In that case, you have potential. Proceed to step two.
2. You can always count on the pity vote. No wait; you can't.
Pity statuses, or the kinds of statements that people post because they don't want to go to therapy, are often a ticket to sympathy land and comment heaven. Unfortunately, lots of us like to keep it vague, to keep their friends asking (that's another trick I'll discuss momentarily). This may work, but real sympathy will come from an unexpected, awful event. You should make some happen, but remember, ONLY IN MODERATION. Add some sad faces to make it more believable.
BAD EXAMPLE
Joe: Boy, my life sucks for the third time this week.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: My baby goldfish just caught on fire! :(
3. Vague might keep them guessing.
It is possible that this approach will only infuriate everyone you know, but in some cases, especially if you hint that it's a really big deal or sound intriguingly mysterious, it might be just the ticket. Keep in mind, we live in a culture that wants to be pleased immediately and insatiably, so you have to sound like you're really in the know about something big.
BAD EXAMPLE
Bob: That was weird.
GOOD EXAMPLE
Bob: Oh... so THAT'S where the next horcrux is.
4. Start a debate.
People like to debate and shove their great ideas up everyone's noses. What better place to do it than where you happen to be already, and have been every second of every day since you were in eighth grade!
On a side note. You can be as risky as you wish (it's your social life at stake, not mine), but if you choose to be an adventure seeker, be prepared for people to mortally hate you.
AVERAGE EXAMPLE
Joe: I think our President is incompetent.
RISKY EXAMPLE
Shaniqua: Brenda is a slut.
We interrupt this message to bring you a more urgent one: if you are my neighbor, please turn your car alarm off, or I will come over there and smash in your headlights. Thank you.
5. What do you think...
Surveys, without a doubt, are highly effective, but they are the cheap thrills of internet popularity. If you truly are desperate, often a quick inquiry about a favorite brand or flavor or species can get your self-esteem back up and running. Now, as with any of the above tips, this comes with risks: obviously there are some questions that should be off-limits based on the fact that there are CHILDREN WHO CAN READ THIS, but there are also questions that just make the situation more awkward than it was before. And no one likes internet awkwardness.
HALFWAY DECENT EXAMPLE
Joe: If you could be any kind of flightless bird, what would you be? (obviously a penguin)
AWKWARD TURTLE EXAMPLE
Bob: Does anyone else find the smell of Bleu Cheese as delicately appealing as I do?
6. Fun with controversy.
Oftentimes you can get a lot of people interested in what's going on when you say something unusually offensive. The shock value of a status, however, depends on the key word "unusually." "@#$% MY LIFE" would probably get a little more feedback if it wasn't preceded by "%^&* MY CAR" or "&^#! THE GOVERNMENT" or "*$%@ MY PUFFERFISH THAT JUST DIED." If your typical route is making rude comments or using PG-13 language or calling Brenda a slut, lay off it and post something happy. The relief of your friends might inspire them to comment a whole lot more in an effort to convince you that you should turn over a new, more uplifting leaf.
7. Laughter is a good thing.
Being funny is basically the best way to get any kind of appreciation nowadays. If something funny happens, tell people. If something boring happens, tell it in a way that makes it sound like it was funny. Sooner or later, your life will become an endless hunt for hidden ironies that will eventually drive you to madness, but people will find you quite entertaining. At least for a little while.
8. People often "like" an inspirational quote about life or overcoming some difficulty or that maybe insults the incompetencies of a man's sandwich making abilities.
Hopefully this is self-explanatory.
9. Good things happen to those who post about them.
People tend to click "like" when they like something... and if something good happens, they tend to like that too! It does get cheesy when people make long lists and finish it off with a "Today was a good day." Those don't work unless you were proposed to in the middle of your inauguration on a cruise ship going to the tropical island that you won in a commercial drawing, because that is a pretty good day. But unfortunately, that isn't a regular occurrence. And besides, you really only need one thing to write about at a time. My suggestion? Go do something exciting or fun! Have an adventure! Make a difference! Save a cat!
Unfortunately, for most of you, this tip is useless, seeing as in order to do something worth talking about, you probably would have to get off of the computer.
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